A cooking competition where contestants make whatever they want but my husband wanders around the kitchen and stands in front of the drawer they need
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Me trying to look natural in photos
Spelling out ‘A-L-E-X-A’ so your Alexa device doesn’t respond, is the new, spelling out ‘W-A-L-K’ so your dog doesn’t get excited.
Unreliable eye witness testimony is the reason chameleons are nature’s most elusive and successful serial killers.
An atheist, a vegan, a libertarian, and a BMW owner walk into a bar…
I only know because they told everyone in the bar within 2 minutes.
If food delivery apps had never been invented I would either be wildly rich or dead
When I get off this leash it’s over for you birches
-my dog
Me: So many women flirt with me on Twitter all the time.
Wife: Cool. Now you have lots of woman to also not have sex with.
My wife has so many different sighs they should have subtitles.
Don’t be jealous but my kids managed to have 14 different fights in the 5 minute drive home from school.
⚠️ Important Reminder:
[gently waking my mom] I cut my hair like He-Man’s
“That is fertilizer” -Vin Scully
Apparently it’s “against church policy” to drop your kids off in the nursery and then go to brunch.
My houseplants watching me put water in the espresso machine
[after having one kid then having twins]
wife: we should have sexfibonacci: absolutely not
Shout out to the top 5 markets in the world, stock, super, Boston, flea and this little piggy went to.
My trainer said that I have to stop referring to Reese Cups as protein bars
my only concern about UFOs is if they’re staying they should be paying their fair share in taxes.
CASHIER: have a nice day
ME: how
“Dark Side Tech Support.”
“Hi. My hand lightning won’t work. The hate’s flowing thru me, but nada.”
“Try turning the hate off & on again.”
WHY DOES THIS DENTAL FLOSS REFUSE TO LET ME TOSS IT INTO THE BATHROOM TRASH CAN?
*cold day in hell
Satan: Dammit! Did some band get back together?
the squirrels are playing dodgeball with acorns again, must be mating season
WTF IS THAT!
What I was supposed to teach my kid before kindergarten:
1) phonics
2) writing
3) mathWhat I actually taught her:
1) the dance to Thriller
we lost our power
“why?”
a transformer blew up by our house
*eyes widen* “that’s awes-”
it’s not as cool as it sounds
You can usually win any arm wrestling contest by simultaneously leaning in for a kiss.
I don’t want to be cremated when I die. I want my body thrown on a group of unsuspecting, cocky teens in a haunted house.
I have an ungodly amount of Taco Bell hot sauce packets for being a grown woman who’s nutritionally responsible for two children.
You told your cat how much you love him, but now it’s morning, the sun is out, you’re sober, and it’s just weird for both of you.