after watching what feels like 73 Fast and Furious movies… no one fills up with petrol, do those cars run on hopes and dreams
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That moment when your ID badge doesn’t work & you wonder:
Did I get fired?
Can I go back to bed now?
Will my 401k sustain my food addiction?
Me: we can’t climb on this
My Kid: the older kids are climbing too
Me: yeah but there are signs all over it saying not to
My Kid: ohhhh these guys are probably too dumb to read
Older Kids: *sheepishly climbing down*
Friend: your parents must have had you young
Me: I mean, I couldn’t have been any younger
I’ll never buy an electric guitar. Only gas guitars for me thank you very much.
There should be a place on the organ donor card that lets you leave your middle finger to a person you hate.
I have no words
~me when I have lots of words, none of which you probably want to hear
I warned my wife the tattooist was no good and sure enough she came back with disappointment written all over her face.
I learned all my flirting from lizards so I just do a bunch of really fast pushups when I see a cute lizard.
“I’m so tired of being poor and unemployed,” says the TV show character who wears a new designer outfit in every scene
My co-worker’s wife just had her baby, so I told him “Happy… uh… baby!” because I couldn’t remember that normal humans say “congratulations,” and that tells you everything you need to know about me
Flying cars sound great but have you seen people drive? No way man
“The old lady I see in the park every day has had her house raided.”
“Sniffer dogs?”
“No, I usually just say good morning to her”.
Why did they call it “conjugal visit” when “guilty pleasure” was right there?
[Speed Date]
Me: Hi. Could you show me on this Venn Diagram where alcohol & donuts overlap in your daily life?
Him: I..
Me: Too slow. NEXT!
Child: What’s the difference between a hurricane and a tropical storm?
Me: A tropical storm has high winds with tiny drink umbrellas flying around in them.
Child: I’ll ask mom.
In our house, we have mandatory family time where the four of us can only text each other.
Me: *making table side guacamole*
Priest: Please get off the altar
My daughter wants to study burrowing rodents. I told her to gopher it.
Cop: Lemme see your papers
Me: Okay
Cop: These are rolling papers
Me: Would you look at that
Cop: Sir are you high?
Me: What are you, a cop?
My barber is the person that cuts my hair but also the person who thinks my haircut isn’t good enough to post on his social media.
Whenever I slide down a brontosaurus right into my car, I can’t help but be reminded of the Flintstones intro
I put my phone in airplane mode and started constantly banging my knees on stuff.
I have no idea how the cavemen could afford to eat paleo.
Coworker: The thing that sucks about vacation is dreading going back to work
Me: Oh I don’t need vacation to feel that way
[out to eat with in-laws]
Me: Waiter, your cheapest bottle of champagne
Wife: Hey these are my parents
Me: Waiter, 4 glasses of tap water
My husband threw away a perfectly good box as if we might not need it in 20 years.
*holding a hose*
Husband: What are you doing?
Me: I’m spraying anyone who steps on our property.
Husband: Isn’t your family coming over?
Me: *grins* In 7 minutes.
he asked “what are we?” i said we the best
We’ve replaced the names of the foreign countries & leaders in Trump’s speech with the names of IKEA® furniture. Let’s see if he notices