My half brother moved out from living with his parents, and after a couple days, phones my dad and says, “I wasn’t sure if it was too soon to call.”
My dad, “Son, you moved out. We didn’t break up.”
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Them: Why are you single?
Me: *flashes back to the time I went out with a really tall guy and couldn’t stop laughing because I could see up his nose* It’s a mystery, really.
Once in college this guy was like ‘is it ok to do laundry if you don’t have enough for a full load?’ So I showed him the ‘small’ setting on the washer and he started it up, added soap and then a single pair of socks
Isn’t it annoying when someone sits next to you in an empty cinema? I didn’t think so but that’s what my new best friend is telling security
A grown man smelling like baby powder stood next to me today.
My maternal instincts have never been so confused.
[playing flight simulator]
this is your captain speaking: the alcohol is now free and we’re landing in a volcano
[before sex]
me: wait have you been tested
him: yea my cholesterol is a little high
“Eat right and exercise?!?…
I dunno…seems like some kind of a scam, Doc.”
The prize for getting up early is to eat a worm? Birds are idiots
Someone asked how I was doing, so I said, “well l, let’s just say I’m not built Ford Tough” bc I’m not able to say I’m not doing well out loud. In retrospect I think the cashier really just wanted a “good & you” response but instead we bathed in the awkwardness that is my brain.
I only hug people so I can stick my hands in their pockets and search for snacks.
If I were Jesus I would be seriously spooked by all the buildings with giant crosses.
Well, well, well…
If it isn’t the lesson I should’ve learned by now.
“Age is an issue of mind over matter. If you don’t mind, it doesn’t matter.”
– Mark Twain
my kid, carrying one small toy and a water bottle: mom, can you get my backpack, my hands are really full
me, carrying 8 grocery bags:
Tweezers? Razor? Oh, hell no! By the time this is over, I’m going to need new shears and a lawn mower.
RELATIONSHIPS: Because sometimes destroying your life is a two person job
Him: that only took me 90 seconds! New record! HIGH FIVE!
Me:
Shout out to police that ask to see your driver’s license. You gotta hand it to them.
I don’t use dating sites, I meet girls the old fashioned way: never
my son is also my best friend (huge mix up at the adoption agency)
Little known fact: the eye is actually the least dangerous part of the entire tiger
Trick-or-Treaters don’t like it when you offer them a healthier alternative to sweets, like an old wardrobe I want rid of.
Me: Dude, back off. You’re totally scaring away all the hot guys checking me out at the gym.
H: You do realize I’m your husband, right?
Them: Do you have any hobbies?
Me: Oh you know, drinking cocktails…long walks on the beach, slow dancing. What about you? 😘
Them: Ok, once again I have to remind you this a job interview not a date.
Me: Who says it can’t be both? 😉
Them: …many, many laws.
I’m at that age where I panic a little if I randomly smell toast.
new wife guy just dropped
[mcdonalds]
me: two marijuanas please
employee: this is the mcdonald’s drive thru
me: two McMarijuanas please
putting lotion on isn’t making your skin any less dry because you’re only addressing a symptom and not the source of the problem. You gotta drink that shit
*Roommate recording a lullaby album in his room*
*me banging on his door* HEY!! Can you sing a little louder?? I’m trying to sleep!!
Misery loves company,
and apparently that’s why my parents invite me over every Thanksgiving weekend.