Fitted sheet? You should see me try and fold a thong.
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Dad that spaghetti you brought home in the plastic container was terrible. Who the hell names an Italian restaurant ‘Nightcrawlers’?
I knife through the icy water like a shark. The spectators gasp in awe. Mall security struggles to drag me fully-clothed from the fountain.
My 6yo sprayed me with the bathroom air freshener, so now I smell like eau de toilette.
Uber driver: “I’m close, where are you?”
Me: “oh I see you”
Uber Driver: “Are you the guy in the middle of the road?”
Me: “yeah floor it”
Overheard in a coffee shop: “A rat I follow on Instagram just had a stroke.” Struggling to process.
Toilet won’t stop throwing up. I didn’t know it was Legos intolerant. SEND HELP THIS IS NOT A DRILL
My daughter just started a question with: So mom, you’ve been old for a really long time…
I don’t know what the rest of the question was, I stopped listening after “long time”
Not an. Officer sitting next to me …. Now I can’t drink my… er.. water
One of the most romantic things a rose can do for another rose is leave a trail of human body parts from the front door to the bedroom.
Naming my daughter “A Relationship” so I don’t have to worry about punks wanting to be in her.
*Makes joke on Twitter*
*5 Retweets*
*Makes same joke on Facebook*
*Loses job, girlfriend leaves me, disowned by parents, 1 Like*
Me: I miss baseball
Umpire: Strike one!
i just got a letter from my prison pen pal saying that he wants me to send him a live shark for his birthday
A stranger was knocking on my door so naturally I hid, but then we locked eyes and she started knocking on my window. Thought this was common knowledge but if you’re knocking on a door and you see the person crouching under their window like an idiot turtle, no one’s home.
stuck on a crowded subway next to a girl playing candycrush, she made a bad move & half the car went “ooooo” in a chorus of dismay
On a scale of “glass half full” to “no plunger in your bathroom”, how optimistic are you?
1) Jumped out of bed
2) Cooked breakfast
3) Ran 6 miles
4) Worked out
5) Started lying compulsively
Bananas should have really loud wrappers, like hey, look at me, I’m eating fruit!
Candy should have soft wrappers like, shhhh, I’m a loser.
Oh, you work out? Have you tried opening a pomegranate?
*Friend sees my knuckle tats*
F: ‘MMA4LYFE,’ really?
*I put my fists by my English prof’s ‘OXFORDCO’ knuckle tats*
*we start break dancing*
“40 is the new 20”
*Pulls a muscle*
“40 is the new 80”
I dropped my bowl of SpaghettiOs and it spelled ‘oooooooo’ on the floor. Spooky
Oh my God. You try to run him over one time, and he never lets you forget it.
What’s the sleaziest way of fitting four multiple choice options into one?
A) Be Seedy
Like many of you, I dislike a chandelier, both in its entirety and its individual chandels.
There should be an advanced version of Blue’s Clues with more complicated clues and darker storylines.
April showers bring may flowers. What did the Mayflower bring? Smallpox
If you care about someone,
even a little bit.
I beg of you.
Please.
TELL THEM WHEN THEY HAVE SOMETHING IN THEIR TEETH.
No more eating spaghetti while driving and this time I mean it.