Show me a parent who has given 2 choices for dinner & I’ll show you a kid who picks something that wasn’t even an option
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[speed dating]
date: what’s your biggest turn on?
me: wind turbines
date: ah i’m not a big fan
me: next
Kurt Cobain did not die for you to wear his t-shirt to an Imagine Dragons concert
‘we love the sea because it’s where we come from we fear it because we left so long ago’, I say suddenly, startling myself, and the waitress
[several months ago]
BEYONCÉ: Kim Kardashian might be having a 3RD baby
JAY-Z: How many we got
BEYONCÉ: One
JAY-Z: Not a problem
I have a new favorite conspiracy theory
I usually spend my Sundays texting apologies but I’ve had an alcohol free weekend now I have nothing to do.
After three days of uncontrolled laughing, random face slapping, and running into the ocean in ball gowns, I threw away my Dior perfume.
–
Me: Hello darkness my old friend
Darkness: please stop calling me that. My name is Susan
Them: Farm animals don’t make good pets
Me: Hold my goat
Bummed about the early Scotland vote results. This was pretty much our best hope for seeing Shrek on a flag.
Yesterday I fell, landed on my back, and could not roll over and get up. At the time I was wearing a Turtleneck Sweater.
Eve: *chewing* what was that thing we weren’t supposed to eat?
God: please tell me you didn’t eat the apple
Eve: *licking fingers* oh haha no
God: …where’s Adam?
CHINA: how can we fix our economic problems???
GERMANY: how do we reestablish our engineering reputation???
USA: OH MY GOD RAT WITH A PIZZA
[Bucket Lists]
2003:
1. Visit Rome
2. Go skydiving
3. Run marathon2017:
1. Eat sitting down
2. Wake up naturally
3. Finish painting foyer
Oh, you want to fight? Ok, one second *takes off glasses, removes retainer, unpins towel cape, empties snacks from pockets, sets down kitten
Look kid, you can’t die from embarrassment. Believe me, I’ve tried.
Him: I gave up drinking, partying and casual sex for the new year
Me: I gave up.
Drinking, partying and casual sex for the new year
I’ll interrupt important meetings with random dance-offs against the superintendent, just to remind him who really runs the prison.
Optimus Regular will save us in 3-5 days and he’s a lot cheaper, i’m fine with that
Scientists say North America is going to sink into the ocean but we can change that.
With a healthy diet and a little bit of exercise.
“Always leave her wanting more” doesn’t mean eat the last of the nachos, jerk.
[becomes allergic to the floor midway through a date & slowly floats out of a window]
husband: you’re so sweaty. did you work out?
me: [just ate half a block of cheese] yes
“GRAAAAAAIIIINNNNS” — Vegetarian Zombie
Tired of true crime podcasts? Then check out my fake crime podcast. In the next episode I go into detail about how back in 1997, my grandma was mugged by a rhinoceros.
saw five goats walking on their hind legs through the woods, is that bad
Life hack:
When an annoying person ask for your phone number give them you ex’s. That way they’ll ask for you and ruin their day.
Sexting is like reading a porn novel written by two lonely people who failed English in high school.
Personal Trainer: Do you run?
Me: Only into people and places I’d rather not be.
Witness protection, but for men who have accidentally told a woman she looks tired