I asked my 5yo if he wanted leftover chicken for dinner, he said ‘ew, that’s a whole day old’ and I didn’t know I gave birth to a mini Gordon Ramsey.
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Don’t embarrass a guy by telling him his fly is open in public.
Just be a man, walk over there, and slowly zip it up for him.
“Please hold. Your call is important to us.”
*writes novel*
*gets medical degree*
*walks from coast to coast*“Please continue to hold…”
Sometimes I feel like people on Facebook share things as a way of saying “Here’s this horrible story I saw today. I hope it makes you feel like shit also.”
“Two messages, Sir. First, your tea has run out”
“Correct English is ‘you’ve run out of tea’. What else?”
“You’ve walked out of wife”
Who called them “homo erectus'” and not… Wait, that’s actually pretty funny. Good job guy who named them “homo erectus'”
Ok so when the clock does it, it’s fine, but when I do it, I’m “cutting ahead of 45 people in airport security”?
As a girl who grew up with an annoying little sister the most unrealistic thing about Frozen is how Elsa never tried to kill Anna on purpose
Laundry needs to be put away.
I look at the basket.
The basket looks at me.
Old western shoot our music looms in the background.
I THOUGHT IT WAS AN EDIBLE
If Kraft singles are so good then why are they still single?
Someone in the office keeps making decaf coffee & I’ve narrowed it down to that guy who never gets anything done.
If anything happens to me, please use my Netflix account until it stops listing recommendations “Because you watched Coneheads”
All I’m saying is I’d rather stick my hand in a tank of piranhas than dig through my wife’s purse.
4 out of 5 fire departments recommend I get takeout.
The reason we are all so obsessed with finding Kate Middleton is because we grew up with Super Mario Bros and were literally trained to save the princess
Shout out to the young woman in Tesco who, when asked for ID, yelled “oh my god, do I really look that young?!” and then it turned out she was 17.
Seeing men with their noses sticking out over their masks makes me hope I never see how they wear swim trunks.
SNAKE: im gonna bite you
SNAKE CHARMER: u are so sexy
S: wha-
SC: *presses finger to lips* still wana bite me?
S: *blushes* well not anymore
Hate it when I tell a guy something deeply intimate and personal and he’s all, “Ma’am, does that complete your order?”
People need to wake up and accept that Batman regularly commits tax fraud
I like to make a guy feel welcome in the morning by surrounding him with stuffed animals while he sleeps.
I’m thankful for my Twitter family. Without you people, I’d still just be talking to myself
client: i’m nervous
attorney: relax
prosecutor: the defendant is guilty
attorney: oh my god [looks at client]
client: what
attorney: you said you were innocent
I’m 38 and still have no idea what to do with my hands while I’m being arrested.
F•r•i•e•n•d•s only its D•o•g•s
but instead of claps in the theme song,
barks
Literally no one understands something more completely than a woman in a meeting who starts a question with “Just so I understand…”
what everyone’s tl looks like now that we can retweet ourselves
Scientists say that dinosaurs and humans didn’t coexist but the makers of The Flintstones clearly dispute this so I’m not sure.
why count sheep when I can count my troubles