therapist: and what is it about this generation that bothers you?
satan: i give them the intro tour and they just say shit like “ooo spooky lol”
therapist: that’s not so bad
satan: when i showed one girl the pit of everlasting flame, she sighed and said “big mood”
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[being interviewed from a lily pad in a fetid bog] I mean, if you think about it who hasn’t lied to a witch at some point?
Reporter: so what is it like being in Maroon 5 when you’re not Adam Levine, um Mr. Uh-
*quickly googles for his name but google has no idea*
Doughnuts alone won’t fill the emptiness in your soul…you’ll also need chocolate milk.
You know where I’d like to go?
Missing
Me: If you become a lawyer, I’ll disinherit you
16: From what?
Me: …well played
Him: Why are you going in circles???
Me: I’m buffering!!!
Just walked up to a white van in the parking lot and it literally sped away.
*Blindfolds myself
*Rage eats candy
I didn’t even know my grandma had a gun until I coughed at her house.
My kid asked me what day of the week it is and I wish she wouldn’t ask me such hard questions
Me: God, I just feel so
Brain: HUNGRY
M: No, I’m very alone. I desperately want
B: FOOD
M: Part of me is missing. All I need is
B: PRINGLES
5 told me they read Pinocchio at school and that Pinocchio’s nose got big if he lied, then she looked at me and said “wow mummy you must have lied a lot”
how do I explain to my gen x parents that the news is something you sit down and watch for 30 minutes and not insidious background noise for the entire day
No Grandma, a brothel is not a soup kitchen.
FYI: I guess the goal of bobbing for apples is not who can drink all the water.
My wife has been binge watching episodes of snapped, so I cancelled my life insurance policy, and haven’t slept or eaten in days.
Me: thanks for the invite but I’m really not much of a partier haha
Friend: it’s a search party for my missing wife
My sweatpants sat me down and said they want me to get an office job again.
My son’s field trip consent form lists walkmans & radios under ‘Optional items.’ Where the hell are they going, 1989??
I lost 6 hours of sleep last night, lying in bed wondering if Muppets get haircuts.
Keep your friends close and your m&ms closer.
Or something like that.
Autoimmune disease means you’re invincible to dying in a car accident.
I was sad because I had no shoes, until I met a man who had no feet. So I said, “Got any shoes you’re not using?”
My therapist thinks meeting women on twitter for sex is a bad idea. His wife disagrees.
What do you call a monkey in a mine field?
A babooom!
Me: coming to the office Xmas party?
Steve: no [whispers] Lisa just lost her father
Me: there’ll be like 50 of us there. We’ll help you look
I was sad to lose an arm wrestling match to a woman, but I felt better after I found out she was a man. Then sad again because we had sex.
I’m like Princess Peach in the way that I’m useless in a dress.
You’re either passionately pro or anti-cilantro, there is no middle ground.
Friend: I saw this guy he looks just like you!
Me: Please dont
Friend: No I’m serious you guys are twins
Me: This is never flattering please just shut up
Friend: Look, I took a picture
Me: Man this is an old tire full of water
Friend: You guys are identical!
The Dalai Lama: Do not let the behavior of others destroy your inner peace
Parents with kids of all ages: hahahaha yeah ok