My mom is pretty relaxed about earthquakes.
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Could you set a lightsaber on low and use it as a back scratcher?
Whenever I see a photo of a baby captioned “this little guy is going to change the world”, I just imagine that baby committing various crimes.
Bartender: “I see your glass is empty. Would you like another?”
Me: “What on earth would I do with 2 empty glasses?”
Hello my name is Morgan and I used to think lingerie was just a fancy way to say laundry
good baseball player nicknames if they weren’t already taken:
– batman
– hitler
Me: runs for 2 mins
My heart: if you don’t stop, I will.
*Addressing the crowd that just watched me take 23 moves to park my truck*
ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?!
Ebola has been in the US for 1 day and people are already wearing masks. AIDS has been here for 55 years and fools still don’t use a condom
former classmate: i am happily married with four kids, a house, two cars, an rv & a boat.
me: i am a llama. i live in an enchanted forest with a squirrel wizard. we eat magical berries & those berries give us powers which we shall use to find & slay the evil dragon king.
I love birthdays! My boyfriend rented a special hotel room for us to fight in.
Girlfriend – “ARE YOU SERIOUSLY DOING THE MONSTER MASH WHILE WE’RE HAVING SEX???”
Me [doing what is clearly a graveyard smash] “…no”
GUY WITH TONS OF BLACKLIGHTS AROUND HIS APARTMENT: Hey come on in!
GUY WHO LIKES TO RUB CAT URINE ALL OVER HIMSELF: Ummm. Nah I’m good.
[Ancient Roman to little girl]
“So, what’s your name?”
“Ivy”
“And how old are you?”
“Same”
People: cats are so detached and just do their own thing
My cats: are you getting up for 20 seconds to get a glass of water?? I’ll come with you, gonna meow the whole time, hey bud so are we going back to bed or chilling on the couch? I am gonna be a nuisance in either location
The most dangerous piece of machinery a person can operate while drinking is the telephone
What base is it when he says, “Stop calling me. We broke up three years ago”?
I act all mature and parental until there is only one popsicle left.
fall is almost here time to pull out the flannel condoms
Sometimes my stomach will make a noise and my brain will be like ok I never signed off on that
[landlord showing new tenant around]
“No smoking allowed”
“How about pets?”
“That’s fine”
[dog walks in and lights up]
“We’ll take it”
Whoever said “Just showing up is half the battle” (a) didn’t understand battles and (b) probably died quickly after showing up.
when someone compliments me
I feel like the person who named pink eye also named orange juice.
Baby let’s play doctor. I’ll go first. You owe me $3200.
My husband got *me* a fitness game for the Nintendo for Christmas.
I was like “what are you trying to say?”
Now the kids are at level 130 and wearing themselves out daily while out of my hair.
Turns out he’s a great gift giver.
Him: Don’t you think that’s enough Bailey’s in your coffee?
Me: I’m in morning
The next man who calls me deluded is going to regret it when he finds me sitting in his house wearing a wedding dress.
if i wanted to read your mind, i’d use an axe.
As kids we used to chant “my mother and your mother were hanging up clothes, my mother punched your mother right in the nose” and apparently just accepted that moms were prone to sudden, random violence
This favourite snack may lower your risk of dementia? Jeeze I hope it’s big sandwiches.