tornados are just a bunch of ghosts fighting over a cow.
You Might Also Like
Just saw a bird walking down the side of the road & yelled out my window, “YOU CAN FLY, YOU STUPID BIRD,” because I am a mature adult.
Me: I love you so much
Calories: I love you more
Roses are red,
violets are blue,
dogs go woof
and cows go moo.#PoetryDay #RubbishJokes
If you can’t beat them, try again when they’re sleeping.
CAPTCHA: Prove you aren’t a robot
Me, a sex machine: *sweating*
Wife: [looking out of window] Go and talk to our son. He’s outside looking forlorn.
Me: [goes outside] *points to grass* it’s there u prick
Shoutout to my dog for ensuring we can enjoy the crunchy, colourful autumn leaves inside the house too
If white guys are day drinking, it’s inevitable that they’re going to start wrestling at some point later that night.
my favorite posts on fb are the people who apologize for not having be on in a while and nobody cares that they’re back
i’m a 44 y/o man that can’t pretend anymore wtf is a timothee chalamet
My biological clock is wheezing.
my favourite word in the dictionary is ratio because it’s under rated
I’m not saying he’s a gold digger, but he certainly did not hold back when I took him through the McDonald’s drive thru.
I just got ripped to shreds by an extremely old man. I got on the elevator from the basement of my building and he got on too. I said “going up?” And he said “certainly. Can’t go down from here” old man I was trying to be polite why you gotta clown me like that
Look, I can still fit into my clothes from 10 years ago.
*pants split*
*buttons pop off*
*shirt seams tear*
Too bad the workmanship is so shoddy.
People really don’t fall in wells like they used to.
[heist team lowers me into the mainframe]
*I see a bra fastened around the keyboard*
Me, sweating: shit, I’ve never gotten past one of these
What kind of key opens the door to a haunted house
A spoo-key.
Mommy what’s an “Act of God?”
Me: *Flashback to my CrossFit trainer* Well dear, an “active god” is in his mid-20s and has a smokin hot body
Before you spend $200 on birthday party entertainment for your child, I sprayed my son and his friends for 45 minutes with the hose. Rave reviews.
One time I made my Scottish born mama red beans and rice when she came to Texas for a visit and after she accused me of trying to kill her.
ME: A man stole my phone and rode away on a horse
COP: Ok [opens notebook] can you give a description?
ME: It’s like a big, fast dog
I couldn’t afford Botox so I just stopped making facial expressions about 15 years ago
sugar daddy: I’m gonna spoil you
salt daddy: I’m gonna preserve you
Arthur Conan Doyle: I have invented the greatest detective of all time
Agatha Christie: hold my tea
Doyle: … why does this tea taste funny
What’sApp
Me: Mom, what’s for dinner?
Mom : typing …*gets married*
*have kids*
*gets old*
*dies*
*goes to hell*Mom: Fish, honey!
just had a salad but it didn’t make me laugh like women in stock photos
a female xylophonist is called a xxlophonist.
I had a dream that I was fighting Jason Bourne, Will Hunting and Tom Ripley.
After months of therapy I’m finally battling my Damons.
Scientists say Spider-Man would not be able to climb vertical surfaces due to his size. It’s almost like someone made the whole thing up.