tried to smoke some salmon but had a really hard time rolling it and i couldn’t really get it to light
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[trying to buy pants]
Clerk: Sir you need pants to shop here.
My Dad has accidentally bought 60 pairs of reading glasses off the internet after misreading the quantity of his order.
I’m against the marriage of anyone whose first instinct is to film and then show the world their elaborate proposal.
Fortune Teller: I see a trip in your future
Me [cancelling a week-long trip to Peru]: haha nope. wrong, idiot.
[fall down stairs as I leave]
I can tell when I’m not wanted. I’m not gonna leave or anything but I can tell.
wife: [talking & making baby noises at cat]
me: you must be bored af
wife: no I’m not
me: I was talking to the cat
She says she only drinks wine to collect corks for her Pinterest project, which is pretty cool cause it looks like she’s building a castle.
any time someone sends me an email with “best regards” i reply with “bester regards” so they know i take my job seriously
me: *on my 100th crunch at the gym*
employee: ur getting cheeto dust on the weights
Dad: listen to me son: don’t ever let anyone tell you what to do
Son: okay
Dad: *slams fist* WHAT DID I JUST SAY
I named my toilet Jim instead of John and now everyone is always so impressed when I tell them I go to the Jim everyday.
My husband told my daughter he can’t flush his contacts down the toilet because it’s bad for the oceans and she thinks it’s because “humans don’t want sharks to see better.”
My mom registered to see me speak at an academic conference at Yale, and under “affiliation” on the form she wrote “Sarah’s mom” 😂
*feels the wind in my toe hair
Lady paid me $50 to paint the name “Inspiration” on her boat because “that’s what she is”
Considering writing “The Sea Word” instead.
I gotta take better care of myself. Today at the park a guy asked me if I would pretend to be his son from the future to scare him into eating right.
gf: you should learn from your mistakes
me: ok! so teach me
I don’t know how he put it in from that angle, but I liked it.
-me watching hockey
Of course I stay hydrated.
Carbohydrated
The “you’ve hit the maximum limit for direct messages in a single day” pop-up alert — but for work emails.
Me: the doctor says my cholesterol is high
Wife: how high
My cholesterol: Dave’s not here man
My pharmacists won’t return my calls anymore *snotty cries* something about no more refills. Quick someone sneeze on me! I’m lonely.
I thought attending Zoom meetings from home was the worst. Then I went back to the office and experienced being around other people who were in Zoom meetings.
I am buying these mints because they are more violent than other mints
nurse *hands me a urine specimen cup* the bathroom’s over there
[5 minutes later]
me: *gives her the empty cup* i didn’t need this, there was a toilet
Me:[grabbing my guitar] i wrote this for you.
Her: awww.
Me:*pulls note out of guitar hole*
“we’re out of cereal.”
I wish I could veto my bills.
[first date at a chinese restaurant]
“So are you more of a dog or a cat person?”
*reading menu* I was thinking orange chicken but you do you
Whoever thinks money doesn’t buy happiness can deposit it in my bank account.
My daughter was disappointed with dinner last night and said, “At least this is better than pasta.” Which is a real shame because we’re having pasta for dinner tonight.