Joining Twitter instead of the circus was a pretty good move considering I’m a freak but not that talented
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Scientists: we have invented healthy food
Me: are you sure it’s healthy
Scientists: …no
Me: are you sure it’s food
Scientists: …no
David Copperfield: Ok I want everyone in the audience to think of a color. Ready? Ok, is your color grey?
Audience full of Dogs: OMG!
Nobody tell my Fitbit that today’s steps are coming from inside the casino.
The world would be a better place if we all got along like the “Price Is Right” audience.
Why would I want a vehicle that seats 8 people? I don’t even like 8 people.
Sir newton: I like them ticcc AF
Students: but sir we can’t write that
Newton: ok then write this “the grater the mass the greater the force of attraction”
You: Help! I’ve been shot!
Me (remembering a time I poked a hole in the side of my cup o’ noodles with a fork but held my finger over it to stop the broth from leaking while I ate): I can help.
Today’s life lesson: “I’ve learned that pleasing everyone is impossible, but pissing them off is a piece of cake.”
You can trust me, but not “leave me unattended around garlic bread” trust me.
Exits public bathroom stall
Makes eye contact with the person next in line
Mouths: “I’m so sorry”
I’m getting arthritis in my pinky finger which is making it painful to drink tea in my upper-class social circles.
My kids sure do make a lot of plans for being people who don’t know how to drive themselves anywhere.
Me: [in Airplane Mode] Don’t call me
Me: [in Airplane! Mode] Don’t call me Shirley
Welcome to your forties! You’re gonna need several doctors, no matter how many apples
Me: I’ll be there in five minutes
Pharmacist: It should be ready
Me: *time travels ten years to the future, goes to store*
Mutant Insect Pharmacist: It’ll be another fifteen minutes
Me: I KNEW IT
Do you ever look at someone and think “god, you’re so amazing” I mean even when they’re sleeping and you’re hidden in their closet…
Bruce Willis should host a baking competition called Pie Hard.
Sometimes I wonder how such beautiful kids can really be mine.
Then my 4-year-old opens a door and runs into the door frame.
Then I know.
Wife: [helping daughter with homework] the War of 1812 was between?
Daughter: I don’t know.
Me: [mouthful of skittles] 1811 and 1813.
Captain: I’m really nervous about giving this speech.
Sun, rubbing his shoulders: Don’t worry, big guy. You got this.
If you stand too close to me in the check out line, you may as well pay for my stuff while you’re breathing down my neck.
No, you lookup addresses mentioned in crime reports to see how close they are to you.
“Are you fine being hugged while you pee?” is a question someone should’ve asked me before I had kids.
Just a friendly reminder folks.
Don’t forget to set back your rooster this weekend.
Always end a conversation with “gotta run” so people think you’re into fitness
They say if a cranky baby won’t sleep, take a nice long car ride…
*hands cab driver $200, goes back to bed*
“You never forget how to ride a bike” sounds like a dare to me.
Why are they called “nuns” when chickmonks was sitting right there?
Gonna start lying about my age by adding 20 years so everyone tells me how good I look for my age.