My kid fell off the bed and into the laundry basket head first. She’ll probably never forgive me for laughing so hard but I’m only human and that shits funny
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Being a diabetic has proved to be difficult. For example, I can’t have a sugar daddy.
VHS tapes used to be like: “FBI WARNING if you make a copy of this tape we will hunt you down and KILL you. Now please enjoy this special presentation of Walt Disney’s Flubber”
I don’t have that many drinks. I just freshen up the one constantly.
*shuts down road going both ways*
Right over here, officer. Here is where the accident happened.
*pulls tiny sheet over squirrel*
Best Friend: Best day of my life was the day I got married. Wbu?
Me: *Recalling when I got free Pizza from Pizza Hut* Yes My Wedding Day
Not much is worse than that feeling of going back to work after a lunch…or a vacation…or just going to work in general
It’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas (I have dandruff)
Shopping- don’t do it on an empty stomach
Swimming- don’t do it on a full stomach
Blowing raspberries- don’t do it on a stranger’s stomach
Me: I just heard a noise
WebMD: Cancer
Her: I don’t see color
Me: They make glasses for that now
periods should last only 15 mins. like thanks for letting me know im not pregnant, now you can leave the doors that way.
“Why don’t we have sexy time anymore?”
“Because you call it sexy time.”
Must suck to see your ex getting married. I wouldn’t know, all mine have died in mysterious, firey car crashes.
It sucks you can’t google something happening in your life. What does my neighbor Derek do for work
When cannibals fall for one another, that’s chew love
[skydiving, first jump]
INSTRUCTOR: everyone ready?
EAGLE: yes.
HAWK: check.
SPARROW: ready.
PENGUIN: this is a really bad idea.
We are all made of stardust, and stardust maybe should have had a little less to drink last night.
If you cross a guinea pig with a hedgehog you get a pighog. I don’t make the rules
INTERVIEWER: nice to meet you, why don’t you have a seat
ME: omg was I supposed to bring one
Brilliant!
where do y’all wanna go tonight? Bars? The club?
“THE BOG OF DESPAIR”
Gary, after the forest of skulls debacle you don’t get to pick anymore
Kind of jealous of how a horse can strap a meal to its face.
[kid watching an episode of The Flintstones for the first time]
“They made a show based on vitamins? This is dumb.”
He said he wanted to “put more than just words in my mouth” and I was like “I hope you mean hamburgers.”
I’m sorry I said your baby looks like a hairless hamster. But in my defense, you shouldn’t have had a hairless hamster for a baby.
Stop fussing over whether the glass is half full or half empty and just marvel at the fact that I managed to produce that much discharge.
Lowe’s banned me for yelling “From the windows! To the walls! To the sweat drop down my balls!”, as I explained how much carpet I needed.
FYI –
Lisa on FB has cramps but is still going to yoga.I’ll keep you all posted.
Chinese takeaway – £17
Delivery charge – £1
Realising the idiots have forgot one of your containers – Riceless
I’m from the 80’s. We ate cookies instead of deleting them.