I think the least the government could do right now is cancel calories, do they even understand how much cheese is needed daily to eat one’s feelings
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The worst part of working from home is not being able to take office supplies from work anymore, now I just have to shoplift them like an ordinary schmo
Fight club but it’s really just me trying to grab air before I fall on the ice.
[Blind date]
Girl: I’ve always had a bit of a thing for bad boys
Dog: [starts putting on his coat] I don’t think this is gonna work out
It’s always funny when the flight attendant says “we know you have a choice of airlines” as if free will exists.
Him: “You’re not like other girls”
My anxiety and insecurity: “Told ya”
Me: *stuffing a ham into my pillow*
Wife: what are you doing
Me: it’s in case someone tries to stuff a ham into my pillow, they’ll be like “ah damn”
Son: Mom, I’m having a problem at school.
Me: Oh no, buddy, what’s wrong? Do you need me to show you the Karate Kid again?Parenting is easy.
Yelled at some skinhead today & he was all like “chemotherapy, dude” & I was like, “whatever, racist” cause sometimes you gotta take a stand
One of the things I love to do is wait to go to the doctor until I’ve done enough research to tell him what’s wrong with me.
Got my telescope out, showing my son the beauty of the universe & making sure the girls in the college dorm are safe.
Don’t buy Colgate whitening toothpaste!!
Label reads: Guaranteed whiteness in only 14 days…
15 days later and I’m still black.
It is easier to pass a camel through the eye of a needle than it is to convince somebody online that they are wrong.
You know how when you’re in sixth grade and you love someone you express it by being mean and throwing rocks at them? That’s Me. I love you.
Did Batman know that Alfred was embezzling billions to finance a 4-person Magic act that was a front for robbing banks?
i love when dog owners are like “our dog is very food-motivated!” like yeah. it’s a dog
When I try to follow a YouTube natural makeup tutorial.
Limp Bizkit: keep rollin rollin rollin rollin
Humpty Dumpty: [falling off wall] I feel so attacked
Worrying that Disney will ruin Star Wars is like worrying that a second iceberg will dive down to hit the Titanic.
1st Guy: So it’s agreed we’ll call it “4 Guys Burgers and Fries” .
2nd Guy: I think we should call it “Four Guys” instead of “4 Guys”.
3rd Guy: I agree.
4th Guy: I actually prefer “4 Guys”.
1st Guy: I think we’re going to need a fifth guy.
By the age of 35, you should have seen off the threat of redundancy by using your control of your employer’s social media account to secure a pay increase.
i pretend i don’t care about stuff but that’s only because i have no idea what’s going on around me at any given time.
One day she says “Treat me like a princess,” the next she’s pissed that I married her off in exchange for an alliance with Spain. Women…
“You have such a great personality”
Me: Thanks, I collect them.
ME: *reads war and peace*
SCHRÖDINGER: *nods approvingly*
everyone has that one prude friend
[JOB INTERVIEW]
It says on your CV that you are a magician, can you show me?ME: *Points on CV to where it is says I am a magician*
[coaching little league]
KID: did I do good today,coach
ME: you ate 4 dandelions in the 3rd inning alone, Brayden
It’s called a “sports car” because getting out of one after 40 is a physical event.
Prayers for my 4yo who despite many attempts is currently unable to remove his nose
me: the most exercise I get is from sex
friend: but you’re so out of shape