Idea: Eels. Exactly the same storyline as Cats but they’re all eels.
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Every day before I leave the house, I pat myself in several places. Phone? Wallet? Keys? etc. etc.
I’ve just added a new ending to the search. I say:
Heyyyy Macarena.
🎶 It’s raining yen. Hallelujah, it’s raining yen
– Winners of the Japanese lottery, probably
CW: What’s your favorite shellfish fantasy drama?
Me: Game of Prawns 🍤
me: I feel your pain
french baker: ma’am, pls stop touching the bread
Unless you’ve studied Nazism at a Nazi university and you’ve read Mein Kampf (in German), your criticism of Nazism isn’t valid
-Nobody ever
Not to brag about my wealth but a well-known billionaire has recently been begging me for “5, 10…even 25 dollars”.
Next time you’re having a bad day just remember that alligators spend their whole lives looking like they’re trying to do a push-up.
Have you been working out? You look amazing! You should be a supermodel. I ran over your dog.
At a job interview:
“What are your strengths?”
“I’m an optimist and a positive
thinker.”“Give me an example”
“When do I start?”
[before pepper spray was invented]
Cop: *holds pepper grinder in suspect’s face* Say when.
North and South
MURDERER: [looking for me] You better of hidden well or you’re dead
ME: [under bed, tears in my eyes] It’s better HAVE
My son is begging for a pet dog as if he doesn’t remember what happened with our chia pet. Or the second chia pet. Or the third…
I bet the first guy who threw shit into a fan never knew what an incredible legacy he would leave.
Sometimes I look at my 13yo daughter and marvel at how smart she is, how beautiful she’s getting, and how the hell she wakes up after sleeping for 10 hours without having to immediately run to the bathroom and pee.
plums roundup
man: want a carrot?
horse: ok.
man: we’re friends now right.
horse: i guess.
man: great hey can you help me move.
Me: No, you cannot have any of daddy’s beer.
Son: Why not?
Me: You know why not.
Son: Because you don’t like to share?
Me: Because I don’t like to share.
More “kills” on Tinder than any man in the history of online dating, Bradley Cooper is…. American Swiper.
My mom texted to say she found my younger son’s water bottle in her car and I was like, “yeah, he pretty much sheds reusable water bottles, Hot Wheels and raincoats”
My mind: You’re 18…
My body: …minutes from death.
Much like a fairy tale princess I will sit here and wither away until some man somewhere is brave enough to bring me soup.
I was raised by wolves
I was then lowered by bearsThey really should only have one species of animal operating these cranes
Whenever I read that a suspect is cooperating with investigators I picture them being helpful in the interrogation room. Tidying up. Providing light conversation.
the only difference between a hoarder and a collector is the smell
Frozen (2013) A young girl spends years in solitude & must plan her parent’s funeral alone because her sister is secretly one of the X-Men
A handshake means something completely different to a cannibal.
I’m full of shit, opinions and liquor. If that’s not a recipe for a twitter addiction, I don’t know what is.
Confuse your least favorite person at work by moving in slow motion when they’re the only person watching you
Hey, sexy. Wanna merge our DNA and make mini versions of ourselves who will never give us a moment’s peace and destroy all our stuff?