What do we want?
An Iphone for fat fingers!
When do we want it?
BOW!
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Pregnancy test commercials would be a lot more relatable if the women in them cursed and cried.
My 16 yr old has a mandatory sophomore Catholic school retreat that lasts 24 hours. No phones allowed. His argument against going, “I just can’t.”
Me, “It’s tradition. Even I did it. All your siblings did it. Nothing can stop it. Absolutely nothing. Period.”Coronavirus: LOL.
YOU: Do you have any healthy snacks in this house?
ME: I donut
Me: Push!
Grandkids: But, you’re heavy.
Me: What did the sign say?
Grandkids: No children in shopping cart :((
Me: Rules are rules.
Taurus: You have a big life choice to make so watch endless YouTube videos instead of thinking about it.
WIFE: I just read that men are five times more likely to be struck by lightning than women.
ME *on the roof in my He-Man costume with my sword* BY THE POWER OF GRAYSKULL WHAT HONEY?
date: so what do you do on the weekends.
me: mostly pet my cat.
date: oh your bio said you were a risk taker.
me: um yeah have you ever pet a cat.
Sorry I use grammar, punctuation and complete sentences. I was raised in a wealthy home where we wasted characters without a second thought.
*sits gf down*
i am about to ask you a big question. if you dont know the answer then thats ok… *clears throat* where is the space jam dvd
I almost accused a 10 yr old of stealing my dance moves but it turns out he just really had to go to the bathroom & didn’t know where it was
I’m not a narcissist.
But If I was, I would be the best one there ever was.
I won’t take any criticism on this
If the human race has a “signature move,” its gotta be lying to the dentist about flossing.
My 10-year-old is cleaning the kitchen. One roll of paper towels later I have the world’s cleanest kitchen stool.
YOU TWEETED 23 TIMES TODAY. RT @realDonaldTrump People ask me what I do in my free time. The answer–I don’t have any.
“My desires are… unconventional.”
“Show me.”
*opens door to a room full of memes*
Every so often, someone in the know has a momentary lapse in judgment, and you get a glimpse of what geopolitics in the 21st century is actually like.
This is one of the most illuminating tweets ever in that regard:
My daughter is playing “Away in a Manger” on the recorder if anyone wanna come over.
A little too much information.
I had my year-end evaluation and it went like “You have great substantive legal skills, but you don’t come into the office enough and you don’t attend social events and you don’t regularly answer emails on weekends.” Yes, precisely.
What do the movies Titanic and the Sixth Sense have in common? I see dead people. Get it? Icy dead people?
Happy Dad Joke weekend
*gets in taxi*
Me: Wow it’s cold out there, my hand is freezing.
Cabbie: Where to?
Me: (putting on other glove) You know what, you’re right.
I bet the guy who discovered milk did a lot of other weird shit too.
[the seventh day]
God: *walks in wearing bangs*
Angel: maybe you should rest
Spent two weeks with my grandmother and now I know why grandpa was a drunk
spinach is nowhere near as delicious as Popeye led us to believe
I was born a woman, which came as a tremendous shock to my parents as they’d been expecting a baby.
When you go out with a couple on the brink of divorce.
Interviewer: “Where do you see yourself in 5 years?”
Me: “That depends.”
Interviewer: “On?”
Me: “If I get this job.”
Interviewer: “Alright then, let’s say you get this job.”
Me: “Great, no take backs!”
Interviewer: “Shit, no I me…ahh, you’re good, ok. You start tomorrow.”
8yo asked y we had an analog clock on the wall but I didn’t know what analog meant so I panicked & told her time was an illusion
2 pacs of eminems for 50 cents? Man that’s Ludacris