“caramelized” is just a word chefs use if they burn things
caramelized onion
caramelized apple
caramelized todd from HR who tried to diss me
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*lights cigarette
Nah, don’t bother with chloroform. Use Ketamine blow darts. Way more entertaining and you don’t have to catch them.
Note to self: always read the final line
Things were getting kinda boring so thought it’d be fun to spice things up a bit!
– my 3yo, peeing everywhere except the toilet (after months of no accidents)
my 4yo sniffs out medicine in the popsicles, milkshakes and pudding we give him so quickly he has a promising career as a narcotics dog
dr pepper just lost her medical license. 😔 now she’s just ms pepper. 😂 bet you thought i was going to say mr pepper! 😒 no. ✋🛑 dr pepper has been a woman this whole time. 😜 unlearn your internal biases!👩⚕️ she lost her license for throwing a baby in the trash ⛹️♀️👶
one day, after your children have moved out, you realize it was your husband who you needed to hide the good cookies from all along
Good news! I got the new restraining order today. So if anyone needs a stalker I’m available. I have mad stalking skills plus references.
Don’t buy a belt at the zoo, it’s just a snake trying to escape.
Worm CEO cuts workforce in half, doubles productivity
I await the announcement that Trump’s running mate will be Charlie Sheen.
Friend: What do your kids like to eat?
Me: Anything that is on my plate, even though it’s also on theirs.
DATE: so…this is your place?
ME: yea…not fancy but it suits me. *opens flap of bouncy house* oh, also do you mind taking off your shoes
Me: I’ll have a medium coffee
Barista: That’ll be $3.95
Me: With a splash of almond milk
Barista: That’ll be $17.95
70% of the Earth’s surface is oceans. The rest is split between car dealerships and a Costco parking lots.
The term is sous chef not Sioux chef. It’s a role in the kitchen not the leader of a proud indigenous tribe.
Never trust anyone who says “let me be Frank” no, what is your real name?
Finally watching Michael Bay’s TMNT. Best part so far is a dude answering a Skype call and yelling “How did you get this number?!?”
Him: tell me about your longest relationship
Me: *thinking furiously* does Windows 95 count?
“no please don’t”
[cop takes my flask and sniffs] is this milk?
my lower back watching me try to live my life
Im not saying the ‘70s were perfect, but somewhere along the line we lost focus and forgot that all chase scenes demand banjo music
My mom is terrified of how fast I drive on the freeway, so I’m preparing a soothing little playlist for when she comes to visit in a few weeks
The most horrifying thing I’ve ever heard:
“MOMMY! MOMMY! I think I just did SCIENCE in the bathroom!”
king arthur: has anyone seen the guy who cuts open everyone’s boils
*knights murmuring*
sir lancelot: I’m here your majesty
So disappointed that they canceled the New York City Marathon. This was going to be the year I lied about running it.
Which essential oil is best for getting people to stop talking to you
*Pets a blob in the dark to see if its my cat*
*I’m still not sure*
Imagine of clown was just a way of life and not a job. You go to a restaurant and there’s a clown waiter. You get sick and there’s a clown surgeon.
Guinea pigs aren’t real pets. You buy them when your kids are begging for a dog, but you want to make them sad instead.
Therapist: what’s your support system like?
Me: about $150 an oz