Buying my parents’ house.
Soon, like so many of the ‘ladies’ here…
I too will be a middle aged man tweeting from his mom’s basement.
You Might Also Like
You wash your hands more now, sure, but it’s still been a year since you’ve cleaned your microwave.
I strike a fierce pose for the camera, then another, and another.
“Can…can you just stand still?” the x-ray technician asks sadly.
With all due respect, your kid sneezed on me first.
Welcome to marriage. He had a dream I made salmon pot roast and woke me up just to tell me how terrible it was.
4: I wanna watch Sing 2!
hubs: you’ve watched that a thousand times.
4: not today.
commiting a crime and pretending to be a witness so i can get the police sketch artist to draw my oc for free
ME: Take care of my cat while I’m away?
HITMAN: [screwing on silencer] No problem.
*slowly releases air from a balloon during your wedding vows*
Operator: 9-1-1, what’s your emergency?
Me: Yeah, hi, so what’s the rules about seizing assets in a citizen’s arrest cuz I just saw someone jaywalk with a soft serve cone and it looked very tasty
Yeah, I experimented in college. I tried beet chips.
Saying “let me show you how it’s done”
– arrogant
– condescending
– vibe killerSaying “this is how we do it”
– it’s Friday night and I feel alright
– the party’s here on the west side
– so I reach for my 40 and I turn it up
– designated driver take the keys to my truck
*people on Wheel of Fortune
“I enjoy skiing & doing crosswords”It’s never
“I like hamburgers & threesomes”
My friend just brought me a coffee and I started crying bc it was such a sweet and small but genuine act of kindness and she was like “I’m your waitress, you literally just ordered this” and that is just classic her I love her so much
The National Spelling Bee is on ESPN which makes sense because I remember that one year a kid pulled a hamstring trying to spell ‘scherenschnitte’.
Crime and Punishment is my favourite novel about family vacations.
[job interview]
HIM: What makes you think you’re qualified for the Social Media Director position?
ME: [typing] Hold on…
HIM: Please put down the phone.
ME: [typing] Hold on…
HIM: What the hell are you doing?
ME: Live tweeting this interview.
HIM: When can you start?
Mistakes movie theater popcorn butter for hand sanitizer
Hilarity ensues
Might start docking extra points from students who aren’t smart enough to cheat on their distance learning vocab tests.
“Nope, it needs more vowels”
– Hawaiians
put ‘er there pardner!
Day one without power. Already considering which neighbor would taste best.
February 2020 – *looks at phone to check the date*
April 2020 – *looks at phone to check what day of the week it is*
I just want everyone to know that my two-year old insisted on being “pants” for Halloween…
I’m pretty anal when it comes to organizing my house.
Like how I slid in “anal”?
Like how I said “slid in anal”?
When smothering somebody, make sure not to use a memory foam pillow because it could testify against you in court.
The question I ask myself most often is, “What would a jury think about this?”
Him: dude I love clubs, they’re great for picking up chicks
Me *nodding thoughtfully* girls love sandwiches
Re: recent conversation about which of your cats is the convicted felon