It’s just a matter of time before they add the word “Syndrome” after my last name.
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Fact:
“Intercourse” sounds more like it’s about vehicular traffic than sex.
COVID-19 helping people realise that some meetings can be emails.
Thinking about the time my ex got me an eyeshadow pallet that was labeled “great for green eyes” gentle reader I have blue eyes
Spot cleaning is great because I just pick one spot to clean and then I’m done.
Inspiration twitter:
“You’re worth keeping. If others walk away from you for any reason, it’s because they’re losers and they should feel badly.”
Also inspiration twitter:
“Never feel badly about walking away from losers who drain you for any reason. It’s self care.”
There is actually a grim reaper for every species. The mantis reaper is the coolest and the scariest and she doesn’t even have to use a scythe.
I love watching my 3yo and 2yo fight because they throw kicks and nobody makes contact and they say shit like, “you’re boring!” and “I have socks!” as insults and it’s amazing.
Her: Things got a little wild last night with Mike during sex. 😏
Me: You have bruises??
Her: No but he knocked my phone out of my hand.
*a town in which the production of little marshmallow treats has been banned*
mayor: i don’t want another peep out of any of you
When a kid wants to snuggle it means you’re about to get warmth in your heart and an elbow to every single one of your other organs.
Me: we can’t climb on this
My Kid: the older kids are climbing too
Me: yeah but there are signs all over it saying not to
My Kid: ohhhh these guys are probably too dumb to read
Older Kids: *sheepishly climbing down*
Save a horse, ride a wave of anxiety.
[date]
me: so if u could change any part of your body what would it be?
her: *laughing* I guess my ankles. what about you?
me: well, u know the bit behind the knees?
*awkward silence*
me: *leans in closer* I’d love em to be as hairy as armpits
It’s October which means it’s basically Halloween which means Thanksgiving is right around the corner which means it’s pretty much Christmas so Happy New Year everyone.
10:20
10:25
10:21
10:23
10:22– Parallel parking my time machine
Me: My brother was in an accident & lost his hand.
Her: OMG, is he OK?
Me: Yes, it was his left hand so
Her: Don’t do it
Me: he’s all right
I went to confession and the priest said, “pics or it didn’t happen.”
Back in my day we had another word for selfie sticks, we called them friends.
I’m kind of a big deal on the semi-pro yoyo circuit.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who asked for oatmeal and you have the audacity to give them oatmeal.
I wasn’t allowed to watch “A Charlie Brown Christmas” as a kid because of my Peanut allergy.
inventor of pita: i have created bread in the form of a pocket.
assistant: aha so you can easily fill it with food.
inventor of pita: oh. [chuckles] oh it won’t be easy.
If they shoot down another flying object I’m going to have to start hoarding toilet paper again
Use cauliflower as a substitute for mashed potatoes, rice, and any joy in your life. You have no friends now, there is only cauliflower.
2: Mommy!!
Me: Yes?
2: NOOOOOOOOO!
“Is there really a fire? Prove it.” -Mrs. Doubtfire
I’m a people person.
Mmmf. Sorry, my mouth was full. Let me try again.
I’m a pizza person.
When you’re Kinky but poor
MIL: You have to teach them really young to pick up after themselves
Me: *watching my husband take off his socks and leave them in the middle of the living room*