Me: it was my grandmother’s ring
Her: *gasp* it’s beautiful
Me: and this is my mother’s wedding dress
Her: your… your family is okay with you trick or treating in that?
You Might Also Like
[dating game]
GIRL: contestant #1 tell me how u would woo me
ME: woo like in duck tales woo woo or a different type of woo?
G: contestant #2
“The toilet’s blocked pretty bad so I called the plumber. Should be here later tod-”
[Bowser spits coffee]
“Which plumber?”
Please hide my job in a piece of cheese or a spoonful of peanut butter
People who design casino/hotel carpets clearly have the best drugs on earth.
It’s about time you stopped being a bystander and became a passerby.
Sometimes, when I’m bored, I tell my mother-in-law to relax.
“Let’s go over this one more time.”
“I know what-”
“ONE MORE TIME.”
“Fine.”
“What is it you’re looking for?”
“A garbage bag.”
“In which room?”
“The kitchen.”
“What do you do when you find it?”
“Bring it to you here.”
“I’m counting on you, Tim.”
Back in my day, it was a game of dodge ball where you found out who didn’t like you.
[first day on bomb squad]
blue red yada yada yada i get the gist
I ate a cliff bar before bed, now I can’t stop dreaming about hiking
I made a wish and threw a bitcoin in the fountain. Now my laptop won’t boot anymore.
My kid has been walking around with an uneaten chocolate bar in her backpack for five weeks, if she doesn’t eat it soon I’m going to have to ground her for making poor life choices
[Youth Pastor voice] You know who else got a surprise visit from the authorities?
Alcohol is like Lysol for feelings, it won’t kill all of them.
Asking a woman to choose her favourite Disney movie is like asking her to choose her favourite child. My mum always choose Aristocats and my middle sister.
Woke up super stiff all over and when I tried to look down, my neck had morning woodn’t.
Mad Max: Furry Road
Starting to think the frog dissection skills I learned in high school are never going to pay off.
People think it’s funny when I tell them not to tickle me or I’ll pee. But they don’t laugh when the tickling has ended and the pee continues. “She’ll ruin all the furniture!” one cries. “Why is she still smiling?!” screams another.
I never understood how Scooby and Shaggy could be convinced to do something they didn’t want to do with just a Scooby Snack until my wife said she’d make me a cheese platter if I cleaned out my closet.
Sorry I unfollowed you on Instagram, but you take at least 10 pics of your face everyday. I don’t even look at my wife that much.
I’m really not sure how many times I’ll search for my phone with the flashlight on my phone before I realize I’m an idiot….
pros & cons of going out with me
pros: you’re not alone anymore
cons: me
An F wouldn’t be such bad grade if the scale went from A to Z. That’d be like a…whatever percent. Sorry, I got a W in math.
On second thought this “Thug’s Life” tattoo probably shouldn’t have been done in Comic Sans.
Pronouns:
He
She
It
You
We
TheyAmateurnouns:
Whoozits
Whatsername
Thingamajig
*vague pointing*
Whatchamacallit
Dudes
You always hear about cops planting evidence.
Never about the cops who nurture and water it every day so it will grow into an evidence tree.
timmy was starting to wonder just how badly he really wanted that archery badge
*carries 11 bags of groceries and like a whole mattress on one arm and my phone in my free hand*