Meltdowns are what happens when you compartmentalize your thoughts, but forget to label them.
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[cranking up the heat on my slow cooker]
Me: *whispers* slow cook it faster
Every month my landlord sends an email letting me know that in these trying and uncertain times rent is still due on the first.
who knew parenting would entail saying “pick that up off the floor” followed by “and don’t put it in your mouth” so often
SHAKESPEARE: Brevity is the soul of wit.
ME: *Shows him twitter*
SHAKESPEARE: Okay, well, no, obviously not like that.
Was that meant to be a joke or did you just accidentally spill a bunch of words you were carrying around?
You’ve gotta love the fact someone’s taken the time to do this
“I don’t care how goodlooking you are if you don’t have any brains.” -Zombies
Unchained Melody, but I have no idea how she got loose.
Shoutout to the toothpaste stain on my shirt for making it appear that I had a WAY better time this morning than I actually did.
Marriage is like being on a reality TV show with both spouses thinking they will be the sympathetic character the audience identifies with.
I can’t tell if I lost weight or stretched out my pants beyond the point of no return.
If we can land on Mars then we can figure out how to get someone else to go to the bathroom for me I’m not discussing this further
My girlfriend is mad at lettuce, how’s your day going?
Day One living in a Tiny House: Well, isn’t this quaint?
Day Two: Murder
Ma’am, nowhere on the perfume bottle does it say “marinate in”
The weather forecast should include the percentage of answers blowing in the wind
Age 20: Gotta get ripped for Spring Break!
Age 25: Exercise reduces stress!
Age 35: My doctor says I’ll die immediately if I don’t do this
him: anything to declare
me: i don’t really like soup
everyone else in customs: [GASP]
These days, I just want a manageable sandwich. Nothing that requires strategy.
“I’m so stoked!”
-An excited fireplace
Movie idea:
A slasher film that ends with the heroine gloating as she hands the killer over to the cops, but then she realizes her car is parked over in the same direction. They all have to walk together and make small talk and it’s super awkward.
my friend’s kid asked me if i had any games on phone so i let her text my ex.
“shake what ya momma gave ya!”
*starts shaking low self-esteem*
You are the pebble in my shoe of people.
Widow: I remember how he always drank eight glasses of water a day
Guy at crematorium across town: WHY ISN’T THIS GUY BURNING
Wife: our toddler just hit me.
Me: hell no! I’m gonna teach her a lesson in manners.
[later]
Me: manners origins date back to the 1700’s and the French word etiquette, which is all about socia-
Daughter: I’m sorry.
Me: please don’t interrupt we have 320 yrs to get through.
Son got a RC drone for Christmas. Used it twice and never touched it again. I’ve become a bit of an expert on it chasing the neighbour’s cat out the garden when he comes for a dump. I can get the drone on and out the window in thirty seconds and chase him across six gardens.
The grammar police are there to ensure proper sentencing.
Smart cars are what happens when Optimus Prime gets drunk and has sex with his vacuum cleaner.