If your spouse’s loud chewing bothers you, imagine how much it tortures the poor begging dog.
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After several Steven Segal films in a row, you’d think bad guys would know to avoid rooms that contain both him & a PoolTable
Lawyer: I’d like to introduce my star witness
Astronomer: Hello
Prison Guard: *evil laugh* I’m going to do a cavity search.
Me, who has never had a cavity because I brush regularly: I look forward to it!
My friends describe me as “I’m sorry, he’s not usually like this.”
I’m doing the vacuuming..
It doesn’t need doing but it’s a legitimate way of annoying the kids
When I’m making the bed, my dogs ride the covers like little surfers without surfboards.
If they had surfboards, that would just be ridiculous.
It’s too bad you unfollowed me, I was about to propose.
Gym instructor: What’s your main purpose for working out?
Me: Knorr cubes. Yea. Need to be strong enough to break them.
*reading news story about how great some guy is* wow this guy sounds great *reading further* oh no, he’s a bomber and he’s dead
Don’t name your car. It’s not a boat. Don’t name your boat either.
Thanks for coming to my TED talk.
You didn’t say anything.
Yes, you’re welcome.
Me: A psychiatrist? That’s silly. There’s no such thing as “too obsessed with bagels.”
Her: Says who?
Me: Sesame
Husband: Did your friend Kathy have her baby boy?
Me: She had a girl.
H: Oh.
Me: Yeah, she’s 5 now.
It’s beginning to cost a lot like Christmas.
I just made the PERFECT phone call!
My parents didn’t answer.
my New Year’s Eve plans:
– sleep until 11:59 PM
– wake up to watch the ball fall
– practice writing 2024 a few times
– go to bed
It never felt more springy than that time I got drunk and slept on my neighbours trampoline.
kids: *having a rough day*
air-conditioning: *broken*
me: *sweaty and irritated*
underwire bra: would be a shame if something were to suddenly…snap
You deplete me
The best way to get me to agree with you is to be attractive.
Sometimes I feel unnecessary and too much. But then I get a pack of pencils delivered from Amazon in a box big enough to fit a washing machine in and I feel better.
Woman: it’s legal to breastfeed my son in public
Cop: not while he’s driving
[Exorcism]
Priest: What is your name?
Demon: Jim
Wife: Jim who owes us $100 or hot Jim?
Demon: Nice legs Carol
Wife: Let’s keep him. Next…
My parents are replacing their coffee machine, which is 7 years old.
Me: that’s not that old, I have sheets older than that.
Mother: well perhaps your sheets aren’t getting as much action as our coffee machine.
I’m going to need an ambulance.
The Scarecrow didn’t have the brains, Tin Man didn’t have the heart, and the Lion didn’t have the courage. So Dorothy remained a virgin.
It’s not a good date unless it ends with you slowly walking off into the ocean like Godzilla.
I don’t wash my car for months but the first week I do it rains 5 times. 😡
From my 12yr old: “My mama so scary she went into a haunted house and came out with a Job application”