Those stupid stress balls don’t work!!!… I just ate one, and it got stuck in my throat… And now, I’m more stressed than before!!!
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It doesn’t matter where you hide. Your children will hunt you down, find you, and tell you they’re thirsty.
The devil whispered to me, “I’m coming for you.”
I whispered back, “bring pizza”
Inventor of the Ouija Board: I have created the most evil family game ever
Inventor of Monopoly: oh, child
People say “loose lips sink ships”. But history would confirm it’s definitely icebergs
“Have u seen my cat?”
“I saw a cat down the road?”
“Really? [shows me a picture] was it this cat?”
“No, the one I saw was dead.”
When I go “Commando” I carry around a big machine gun & speak with an Austrian accent while I track down my daughter’s kidnappers.
Welcome to your 40s: you’re not hungover you’re just awake.
Office Quidditch but the golden snitch is the last free donut.
[hits rock bottom]
rock bottom : *calls 911 for being assaulted*
Tomorrow I’m definitely going to start running, no matter how many days it takes!
Just finished cleaning and can’t find the kids.
Interviewer: “Why do you want to be a librarian?”
Me: “I like telling people to be quiet.”
Guys in the 90’s who got the barbed wire tattoo on their bicep, but only half goes halfway around your arm, you come up for air yet from the decades of drowning in pussy?
Pet peeve. Toilets that flush 4 me the moment I stand. I’d like to see the work I’ve done before it’s violently ripped from my view. #life
Is Yoda’s last name Lay-he-hoo?
He loves me…
He loves me not…
He loves me…
He loves me not…
He loves me…
He loves me not…
He loves me…
He loves me not…Florist- “Umm. You’re gonna have to pay for those.”
My 8yo wants to make her tween sister’s birthday cake. My tween is mad because she wants to make her own cake. I suggested she have 2 birthday cakes and now everyone is upset.
Apparently the solution to all life’s problems is not more cake.
Just discovered that the self checkout area is not what you’d think.
Spells out “Can you clean the toilet” in candy hearts on the bed.
I started a funeral business with self-driving hearses, but they keep crashing into other cars.
Business is booming.
January is lasting longer than my marriage
Racism is alive and well. I entered a plane and a white lady started freaking out. I laughed so hard my grenades fell out of my pocket.
bears
Really? Still no Kate? Has anyone even tried yelling Marco?
Be right back guys, I just fried up some bacon and have to clean up the mess.
[8 months later]
Ok, I’m back.
You’re old you’re excited to learn how to play Mahjong
I’m an author when I write and I’m an actor when I lie, but I don’t get paid for either so my bio says accountant.
Ordered a new piece of furniture that said ‘some assembly required.’ They delivered a tree stump with a note that said good luck.
why do people say “i better sleep on it” when it’s like a serious thing they need to think about? i have dreams where i eat a tomato full of bees. how is that supposed to help my life choices?
I still love Rage Against the Machine
but now it’s just me fighting with my husband over his constantly malfunctioning “smart home” systems.I just want to turn off a light …