“Smells fresh. Like a tropical island.”
“Ok. Now take off the blindfold! Your family’s been dead in this car for a week! We Febrezed it!”
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My grandmother is a shining example of how you can live until 90 years of age, sustained by nothing but spite and biscuits.
I just saved a ton of money by using my Pizza Hut points to order free pizza- earned from the ton of money I spent on previously ordered pizza.
If you throw a ball of yarn on stage during a Broadway production of Cats, the actors are required to stop what they’re doing and chase after it.
Remember you could bludgeon your enemy King with a wheel of cheese and eat the evidence.
Me: [sneaks off to lay by pool cuz kids are finally playing]
7yo: HERE I AM MOMMY SO YOU DON’T HAFTA BE ALONE
Me: [sigh] Thanks bud.
If only I had the stomach of the person I am when I lie down.
Oh you lost your glasses on your face? I lost my cell phone while on a call.
BUZZ LIGHTYEAR: To infinity and beyond!
ME: Nothing is beyond infinity, I demand realism in my talking toy movie
I want a “refrigerataur.” Half horse, half refrigerator. I could ride it AND eat from it which is just plain sensible we are in a recession.
I’ve decided to stop using ladders. Put it down to “climb it change.”
PHILOSOPHERS: We don’t know how the mind and body are connected
ME (who has a mind and a body): oh no!
I like to reassure my wife that even though I don’t have big muscles she is always safe with me cause I’m a really loud screamer.
*nervously plays with tie*
“I’m sorry. I’m no good during job interviews.”
That’s ok, just let go of my tie and go on your side of the desk.
[first date]
HER: I like a man who can show his true feelings.
ME: *leans in close* I don’t care what you like.
Me: Age is just a number
My body: And today you’re 85 lol
My dad just said I should put our dog on “this site– have you been to it?” I went over to the computer. He had written “pomeranians” into Google image search
My girlfriend hates the music I listen to while I drive, but I’ve found the perfect loophole to keep my favorite songs on. You say, “Babe, this one really reminds me of you.”
If you come up to my bedroom door and find a sock on the knob it means I’m having sex.
Probably with the other sock.
It’s like my granddad used to say “If you have to ask the question, then you don’t know the answer.”
Whenever you ride an elevator with other people, it’s best not to mention your imaginary friends even if someone is standing on Carl.
When you’re anti-social, knowing you’re not alone is both comforting and disconcerting.
The way Burger King make you feel like a Dickensian orphan when you ask for a second package of sauce is truly something.
umbrellas are great if you only wanna get wet sideways.
my friend told me on first dates i should just “be myself” and “be confident” and i was like “ok but which one?”
my friends when i can’t do basic math
Back-to-school tip for parents: while not explicitly forbidden, it is frowned upon to spray champagne on the hood of a departing school bus.
The invisible woman had sex with the wolfman and now they’re expecting a where-wolf.
“Is that a car alarm going off? Someone must be trying to steal it I better call the police!”
– literally no one ever
Me to pregnant friend: Instead of practicing on a doll, I recommend you try to bathe, diaper, and swaddle a cat.
Friend: [exaggerated eye roll]
***6 months later***
Friend: Why didn’t anyone prepare me for reality?
Me: … [whispers] meow.
“There’s no eye in Teams” I exclaim turning off my laptop camera