If you go to a ghost-themed party and they start burning a giant wooden cross, then you’re not at a ghost-themed party. And you’re an idiot.
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I used to quickly lick the tip of my pencil when writing my poignant thoughts but now I have to eat three or four pencils just to make a grocery list
My mom was right. My face did stay this way.
Wife: can you pick up milk on your way home
Me: can’t he just get a ride home with friends
Wife: again, our son’s name is not Milk
I’m not sure where you ladies go to learn how to argue, but that place is good
Him: Wanna see my prison tats?
Her: Ooh ok I like bad boys
Him: This one *lifts shirt* is of Alcatraz. It was built in 1934 and closed in
Wife: “How did your first day as a lifeguard go?”
Me: “Amazingly well, thanks. Everyone was so friendly and waving at me.”
me: [dead in the morgue] *turns fan on for noise*
Do not believe the promises made during foreplay!!
Packs of underwear come in a resealable zip lock bag and STILL I have to use a chip clip to close my cereal bag with. Wtf.
Reading is a gateway drug to being less stupid.
The writer is someone who decides school wasn’t enough homework and they actually need homework for the rest of their lives
Body by cheese-puffs.
Wrote a tweet that said “Pizza is never divided by politics.” Was about to hit send.
Then I remembered pineapple .
Get the body you always wanted this summer. Go grave-robbing.
2.5 hours into self quarantine: *gains 10 lbs
[3 AM]
5yo: *sobbing* Daddy
Me: Ughhh..yes, sweetheart, what’s wrong?
5yo: I’m lonely…
Me: Then, don’t ever get married.
5yo: Ok, Daddy.
I went to the house I grew up in and asked if I could have a look around. They said no and slammed the door. My parents can be so freaking rude…
When I eat rotisserie chicken, I like to pretend that I’m performing an autopsy.
[first date]
HER: I really like a man who notices things.
ME: [trying to impress] Your eyebrows make you look like an Angry Bird.
you can fill a waterbed with gravy, no one even checks.
For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.
Son: What IS it?
Daughter: Dunno. Maybe a possum?
S: Should it be that color?
D: Try poking it.
Me: I’M NEVER COOKING FOR YOU GUYS AGAIN.
i don’t care if it will “benefit our community” stacy. i’m not gonna take off this garfield costume
My stomach just made a really weird noise. I’m sending a pizza down to check it out.
If you give your kid a roll of tape today then you should expect you’ll need to buy more tape tomorrow
[after recapturing an escaped convict]
sheriff: “congratulations on your absquatulation from prison but its time to go back to the slammer”
convict:
deputy *feels for a pulse*: “sheriff, hes absquatulated!”
sheriff: “we really need separate Word of the Day calendars”
“So you’re a foodie? What’s a foodie?”
“We enjoy eating out and trying new food.”
“So you’re like everyone else, except you brag about it?”
I did squats today. Mostly because I was hiding from a coworker.
Has this person in front of me ever used a drive thru?
– everyone