Rich ppl should ride ambulances to flex instead of limos or whatever. I got a limo for my senior prom big deal. I know like one person who’s ridden an ambulance and their children’s children are going to be in debt for it
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Mailmen are basically reverse garbagemen.
I just battle rapped my 4 year-old and rhymed “take a nap” with “piece of crap” so don’t tell me about your parenting skills.
Raise your hand if you’d like to go back to more simple times when clowns were in the woods scaring us.
A good way to break up with a girl is to leave her a trail of rose petals starting from her front door to North Korea.
*pronounces woah like Noah*
You left the milk out so I burnt all your clothes. Welcome to an adult relationship.
I thought Match .com was a place to arrange fights to the death, but turns out it’s a website to find love. So I was close.
Tyler on Facebook says he ran 1.7 miles this morning… So based on calculations, I have 35 minutes to ransack his house tomorrow morning.
Me: you should join Twitter.
Them: I don’t even like people.
Me: then you’re gonna love it.
“Do you want to hold my baby?”
Yeah nice try. You got yourself into this mess you hold your own damn baby.
If reading bedtime stories to my son has taught me anything, it’s that mice lead much fuller, exciting lives than I do.
Do poodle owners realize they just bought a dog with a shitty 1980s white girl perm?
Son: Dad can sand melt?
Me putting down my glass: Don’t be ridiculous of course it can’t
Bravo, Oscar, Oscar, Bravo, Sierra
“Children, try not to embarrass me at the supermarket,” I say to the 30 teddy bears buckled into my minivan.
Remember when you bury a body in your backyard be sure to cover it with endangered plant or tree so they can’t dig it up. Follow me for more helpful tips 👍🏻
Installing home security cameras seemed like a great idea but explaining my dance offs with the dog was something I should’ve considered.
3-year-old: *sits at the table forever without touching anything*
Me: *eats one cold chicken nugget*
3: THAT WAS MINE!
Your life is awesome until your oversized clothes start fitting.
this is a marine life reminder SHARK tails go side to side WHALE tails go up and down and WHALE SHARK tails go all diagonal like.
Dad: Tall latte
Barista: Sure thing. Can I get a name?
Dad: What your parents didn’t give you one?
*all the other dad’s give him high fives*
If you’re a grown man walkin around with a winter hat that has animal ears I can tell that @ some point people used 2 take your lunch money
Him: dude I love clubs, they’re great for picking up chicks
Me *nodding thoughtfully* girls love sandwiches
I hope my family appreciates the irony when I choke to death on one of these enormous daily multi-vitamins.
Them: You have a weird sense of style
Me: *takes off glasses* Rude
Them: But true
Me: *takes off second pair of glasses* Give me an example
her: what’s up
me: i’m just driving
her: cool where
me: in the front seat
her: no i mean what location
me: driver’s side
Make your own bacon by tricking 30-50 feral hogs into running headlong through a harp.
*showing my kids bobsledding clips*
My 5yo: *matter of factly* They should all be screaming.
After weeks of late night cheese benders…Brenda couldn’t help but wonder…where did it all go wrong
them: talk is cheap
me: two talks please