I stapled her tongue to the desk for humming Ke$ha all day and I really think the HR guy isn’t listening to my side of the story.
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I’m sitting next to a beautiful woman at a bar so now it’s only a matter of time before nothing happens.
A banana republic is just a regular republic that’s happy to see you.
Bear mace is like regular mace but you have to buy it at the maul…
Thank you for your time.
If it doesn’t make you afraid to go to the bathroom the next day, it’s not really hot sauce.
INVENTOR: behold the umbrella! it protects only your head & chest from rain
CEO: wow
I: so fragile it cannot withstand any wind
C: i love it
You know it’s really easy to sit back and make fun of everything instead of trying to actually help. That’s why I do it.
Dated a mime once – God was it good – he did sooooo many ~unspeakable things~to me ….
200 Catholics, one cup. -Mass
What are you talking about? My wife hates when I make her laugh. She said what attracted her to me was my complete lack of humor and total inability to have fun.
a potato meteor that cooks itself as it hurdles toward the earth and lands on your plate hot and ready
My purse is deeper than some people.
It may look like I’m a sloppy eater but really I’m just teaching my dog about trickle-down economics…
An ambulance just went down my road. Within seconds I went running outside to see where it stopped. I have become my parents.
I’m watching CNN at 4am and there’s a commercial for a pot that’s “big enough to cook a hundred meatballs”
“Do you want the latest dirt?”
-No, but I appreciate the sediment.
they say you swallow 7 spiders a year in your sleep but have you considered not sleeping under a pile of leaves in your back yard
Yes, go ahead and verify my pictures, Tinder. Because so many people out there would pretend to look like this on purpose.
Creamy peanut butter is the best because it’s the only thing holding this car together.
*death metal voice*
BUTTERRRRRR
normalize slapping the phone out someone’s hand when they use speakerphone in public.
When finishing a job interview, make sure you are a memorable candidate by shaking their hand firmly and using your grasp to pull them in tightly for an optimal tango position
when no one is looking, squirrels use donuts as hula hoops
You see me wildly flailing my arms. Did I:
a) Walk through a spider web?
b) Try to wrap something in Saran wrap?
c) Try to use Scotch tape?
I shortened the rope on the bucket used to collect the village’s water. Didn’t go down well.
I’m not petty, but when someone is tailgating me I spray my windshield washer fluid and the payoff is seeing them turning on their wipers.
Maybe if you knew Garfield’s parents were murdered on a monday by anti lasagna activists you wouldn’t be so judgmental.
Hate being a funeral director
“why’d u take the job?”
I inherited it from my dad
“You could’ve just declined it”
And lose my first customer?
“I’m a talking piece of paper. Your eyes are beneath your nose. Nothing’s real here, kid.”
My kids don’t drive me to drink. Can’t wait until they get their license and they can though.
How often do you think Jennifer Aniston uses the line “I’m not here to make Friends?”