80% of my day is spent saying “dishwasher” after I hear a kid throw dishes into the sink.
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Them: you shouldn’t drink so much caffeine it’s bad for you
Me: I shouldn’t have to work this much to afford my rent either but here we are
being older than your parents were when they had you is a bizarre feeling, like what the fuck do you mean I was once left unsupervised in the care of a 26-year-old
this plan is WAY too aggressive imho
H: I’m so tired of people making lame jokes about going into labor on Labor Day.
M: *slowly pulling pillow out of shirt* same
Guacamole is my favorite food that looks like someone already ate it.
How my city treated us singles yesterday😮💨😩
My phone says connected but somehow I don’t feel it
*being abducted by aliens*
Hey thanks guys it was getting pretty rough down there. What we got goin’ on, snack-wise?
GIRL: Spirit, should I have sex with this guy?
ME: *tries to push the ouija pointer to yes but it won’t move* (under breath) grandma, PLEASE
Whoever created lasagna was totally a stoner
I want noodles
Okay
Now sauce
Cool
Now cheese
Got it
Now noodles
You said that
Now cheese
WTF!
A millennial told me that he and his friends weren’t on Twitter anymore because it was for old people now. I was like, “Finally, we won!”
Rule: If thou has a Macbook, thou shall always taketh photos of objects with the Macbook in the background.
Whenever I see an empty pizza box in a neighbor’s garbage can, I get jealous someone had a better night than I did.
Was very hungry when I made a wish to the genie I found in a lamp and I had a Freudian slip and now I’m a chicken magnet
Gonna bring a notepad and a fancy pen to my next therapy session cause yessiree two can play that game.
I guess the guy who named the space between stuff in the universe “space” was just tired.
“You can check out any time you like, but you can never leave.”
“But after that I’m not responsible for any more room charges, correct?”
i cant feel my face when im with you /
please untie me /
nose is itchy
I want those snacks that have 2 eyes and a scary mouth
-my 3 yo, describing pretzels
I made £40,000 in one day using a simple trick. Send me £2,000 and I’ll tell you how I did it
Whenever I can’t sleep at night I dig a hole in the backyard to keep the neighbors guessing.
A sweater so itchy it feels like it was made from scratch.
First Date
Him: I love a girl who’s professional but likes to have fun.
Me: *excitedly pulls my brief case full of beanie babies from under the table*
‘I want to see other families.’
~Me, saying grace at Thanksgiving
I can’t believe someone had the audacity to tell ME *gestures wildly at self* that I’m dramatic
6“- Ive had bigger
7”- Can’t complain
8”- PERFECT
9”- A bit much
10”- My insides hurt
11”- Please no more
12”- Legally dead-Me after pizza
When I said I liked it rough.
Using magic to hide the Hogwart’s train was also platform manipulation, where tf Dumbledore’s suspension
The “it’s ok to use ‘disability’ as an insult as long as you’re not using it to insult a person with a physical handicap” logic. #facepalm
A woman was arrested when her boyfriend’s body was found in a freezer in their living room. Who the hell puts a freezer in the living room?