*trains 1 million soldier ants*
*gets carried to work*
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[robbing a bank]
accomplice: nice pantyhose
me: thanks
accomplice: on your face next time tho ok
HIM: [awkwardly] wanna go see a movie?
HER: sure, sounds great.
[next day]
HIM: could i maybe come with you next time?
[High school reunion]
Hey guys! Remember me!?
“No”
How about now? *puts an entire toilet on my head*
(in unison) CHRIS!
So it turns out the child that cost me the most money in the Legoland store……was me.
god: who wants a bear?
usa: I want a black one
arctic: white for me
china: can I get a swirl
judge: are you the defendant?
me: haha yup, guilty as charged
my lawyer: *whispers in my ear*
me: um whats the policy on take backs here
Me: I know we haven’t known each other for long but *gets down on one knee* Will you marry me?
Priest: Actually I’m here to marry you AND your fiancé now get up people are staring
Don’t ever forget where you came from. That’s most likely where you left your car.
“WHAT DO WE WANT?”
“A BETTER STRUCTURE FOR MEASUREMENT OF TIME THAT ISN’T AN ILLUSION CREATED BY MAN”
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT?”
…
“shit”
Because you know I’m all about that data, ‘bout that data. No trouble. I’m all about that data, ‘bout that data. No trouble.
Him: Your hands are as soft as a turtle’s armpit!
Me: We have to breakup.
Personal trainer: And how much weight are you looking to lose?
Me: *googling weight limit for bouncy castles* Hold on…
Catching the tram at the airport. Doors open and it’s packed. Husband says we’ll just wait then sees a tiny opening at the next tram door and jumps on without telling me he’s doing that. Doors close. I stood there waving bye and the look of sheer terror on his face as it left.
I rolled up my yoga mat absolutely perfectly and if you think I’ll mess that up by working out, then you’re out of your mind.
Yes I can speak a foreign language if you count when I talk about the 80s in front of my nephews.
ME: *hugging my therapy dog* i love you so much
THERAPY DOG: same time next week and i’ll make a note to continue our boundaries discussion
[playground]
Woman: which one is yours?
My wife: over there [points to team of firefighters cutting me from a tire swing]
Everyday is talk like a pirate day if you’re committed and annoying enough
People text “happy new year” and go missing for the rest of the year!
A moth flies into your face out of nowhere. You could ask him why he does that, but what would you do with the information?
FRIEND: can you hold my keys?
ME: no [pulling another fanny pack out of my fanny pack] but you can
My friends just had a baby and they named him Frank. He’s 3 days old and he can fix a leaky tap.
Your metabolism after age 40 is like, “Nah, I like you fat.”
LA today:
My boyfriend just sent me a txt: ‘I think I want to see other people.’ My reply was, ‘You better look out the window.’
*Removes ‘Loves to bake’ from online dating profile
“africanized killer bees” are trending so it’s a good time to mention that Killer Bees are literally an escaped scientific experiment gone wrong, like in the movies
My autocorrect just changed “I’m off” to “I’m DTF” and changed a casual conversation with my boss into an H.R meeting.
Gazing at nature’s majesty, I am one with the woods. This is where I belong, I muse as I’m drilled with a paintball and promptly eliminated
[first date]
“So… you didn’t mention that you’re trapped in 230 million year old amber.”
[my motionless eyes glint within my golden shell]