Shake what your momma gave ya!
*shakes old decorative wreath*
(pine needles and holly berries go everywhere)
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If I say “Bloody Mary” three times in the mirror in the dark I get a free drink, right?
My kids just deliberated over which pumpkins to pick at the patch for longer than I deliberated whether to get pregnant with them.
Divorce lawyer: we should talk about custody
Me: I can’t trust her with my ant farm
Wife: he means the kids
Me: I trust them even less
*Throws caution to the wind*
*gets covered in caution*
Doormat
Placemat
Yoga mat
Laundry matYes, it’s another four mat tweet.
My wife got an organic, free-range, non-GMO, antibiotic-free turkey for Thanksgiving — and every one of those adjectives added 20 bucks.
Dog 911: what’s ur emer-
Dog: MY HUMAN IS TALKING TO ME
Dog 911: so?
Dog: THEN HE ANSWERS FOR ME IN A WEIRD VOICE
Dog 911: OMG
Dog: OMG
My ransom was dropped from $30,000 to fifty bucks when my parents told my kidnappers it’d take 2 days to come up with the money.
Mormon: Want to hear about my religion?
Me: I already know. There can be only 1
Him: That’s Highlander
Me: Come back when you have swords
*phone rings*
*stares at it*
*voicemail notice*
*ignore*
*text “Left you a vm”*
*ignore*
*act surprised when they mention it*Repeat
me and my fake scenarios
*Banging on the bottom of my brain with a broomstick* HEY KEEP IT DOWN UP THERE
I was really expecting to get murdered by some creepy person from the Internet by now.
Welcome to your 40’s: the waitress is not hitting on you dude.
*licks finger, holds it up in the air*
ah yes, just as i suspected. wind.
[Hall of Justice]
Aquaman: How do you expect me to ignite the TNT below Kaiser’s floating fortress?
Waterproof Match Man: Maybe I can help.
oprah: who said that shit
meg: im not gonna say
oprah: okay i respect that
oprah: harry who said that shit to you
Order a pizza then act confused when it arrives. “A delivery for Aaron? Aarons DEAD. He DIED ordering a pizza in this house 10 years ago”
Letting my cat know in a positive way that he’s looking very round today.
My Canadian 4yo just told me he wants to be Captain America if anyone wants to take a traitor off my hands.
Pretty certain I can more drunk
[Interview]
“Why’d you leave ur last job?”
My boss felt threatened by me
[Flashback to juggling lighters after dousing boss in gasoline]
[1st date]
DATE: When I’m with a handsome man I get all nervous & involuntarily start speaking French
ME [leans across] Oh really?
DATE: Yes
People who use the lift to go up one floor will be wiped out by natural selection
baker: making perfect baked goods is all about precise measurements
me: cool can i get a dozen muffins pls?
baker: sure thing *hands me 13 muffins*
Body: we’re exhausted. We’re going to fall asleep so easily.
Brain: you adorable idiot.
Got a phone call and the caller ID said NYC Human. That sure narrows down the list of who it can be doesn’t it?
My neighbors with the fireworks would apparently like to wish everyone a happy July 7th.
[Outside ER]
Cop: “Sir, can you describe the vehicle that struck you?”
Me: “Absolutely. It was some kind of horseless carriage. A roaring metallic dragon with wheels instead of legs, with bright skin shimmering in the sunlight, passing foul vapors out its rear.”
Went to see a psychic without an appointment and he wasn’t expecting me ?