Sesame Street gritty reboot:
The Burt Locker
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Buy living room furniture that matches your pet’s hair because, work smarter not harder.
Hell hath no fury like this woman attempting to type “scorned” and having it autocorrected to “scrotum” 13 times in a row.
Friends are like snowflakes.
If you pee on them they disappear.
I love how they gave Scooby-Doo a speech impediment, as if people would be like “That makes sense, because dogs have difficulty speaking..”
Whenever I get a midnight “Hey” dm from a woman on the weekend, I always reply
Maybe she’s inviting me to church or something fun like that
candy corn tastes like it has already been chewed
When I’m in a conference room all by myself I like to pretend I’m having a very important meeting with chairs about chair shit.
It’s okay, bra. I’m ready to snap any minute now too
Being a brown man is hard but it would really suck if one day I failed a CAPTCHA & found out I was a robot on top of that
men’s fashion peaked in 1838
Kids these days can’t do shit without #Google. When I was a kid I didn’t have Google. So, I pretty much couldn’t do shit.
The way my kids use toothpaste they’ll never have a cavity in their bathroom sink
Narcissus fell in love with his own image, but was immediately annoyed at how it always tried to talk while he was talking.
STEWARDESS: omg the plane’s about to crash but the SOS message can only be 140 characters! what are we going to do??
ME: *slowly stands up*
7:00AM – I am NOT going to lose my shit & yell at the kids today.
7:15AM – Dammit.
911: what is your emergency
ME: there’s a fly in my house
911: hang tight sir we’re sending a swat team now
Happy birthday to all the women
You call the carnival ride dangerous.
I call it “Natural Selection’s Li’l Helper.”
Normal person: I’m in a bad mood.
LA Person: It’s like, uh. Do you— there’s like a weird energy out there today, right?
You can’t run a country like a business. If you did, you’d have to pay profits to investors, meaning citizens. And that’s socialism! Bye!
Guys, women can spot another woman at 10 paces and tell you if she’s wearing 5″ or 6″ heels. She knows exactly what, 6″+ looks like.
[paper company]
business major: we need to move the stationeryphilosophy major: ah yes the classic paradox
me: 867-5309… and this is your REAL phone number?
her: yeah, sure
Son of Sam I Am, a serial killer who targets people who won’t try new foods.
I once worked with a girl named Brittanica…she was a bit aloof though I didn’t really know how to read her
On your first day at the beach, go up to the toughest-looking guy there, and let the air out of his water-wings.
*grabbing my own shoulders and shaking myself* PLEASE, for the love of god, just tell me what you want
OLIVE GARDEN: When you’re here, you’re family!
ME: Can I get a–
OLIVE GARDEN: No, we have food at home.
We’re gonna catapult that guy into next Tuesday!
Pedant: Actually…
[pedant being being hurled across the sky via trebuchet]
If I ever go missing just tell my 5-year-old I’m relaxing. She’ll find me. She always does.