I don’t always eat 100-calorie packs of anything, but when I do, I make sure and eat the whole box.
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I removed my birthday from Facebook, and now I keep fooling people randomly by saying that it’s my birthday today.
bought a pair of yoga pants to motivate myself to run faster so no one sees me wearing this shit
My son had a meltdown because his sister accidentally stepped on his piece of popcorn shaped “perfectly like an octopus” and he was saving it for “his collection.” I don’t know about this collection. I don’t want to know about this collection.
Me: Can I get that to go?
Priest: That’s not how communion works
So where do I put the banana if I am not happy to see you?
You’ve heard of Elf on a Shelf but…
My 7 yr. old thought it would be really funny to hold up a sign in the back window of the car that said “HELP ME!”. It was not.
At what age does Ryan Gosling have to change his name to Ryan Goose
3am
Brain: What if all cats are named Meow and all dogs are named Woof and they’re just correcting us when we call them by the names we gave them?
You know who brings a knife to a gun fight?
Cannibals.
And also a fork.
Doctor: you need to include more fruits and vegetables in your diet
Me: I hear the words but they’re not making any sense
The closest I come to hiking is when I eat trail mix.
One time I was trying to get a big game to run on an old computer but it didn’t have enough free memory so I compressed the hard drive, twice. That computer never worked again, in case you’re looking for an IT guy.
my dog when i have a friend over
*licks excess icing off mixer & spoon*
Wife: Aww, thanks hun!
Me: For what?
W: Doing my dishes!
M: Oh, I didn–
W: …
M: You’re welcome.
Wow, wife was pissed when she found out I donated her sweater to Goodwill, but not as mad as she would have been if she’d found out I shrunk it in the dryer.
The fastest land mammal is a toddler who’s been asked what’s in their mouth.
ME AS SATAN: *holding a pitchspork*
That motorcycle salesman didn’t have to laugh when I asked if they came with training wheels.
I would correct your grammar but you don’t use any.
I find a duck’s opinion of me is very much influenced by whether or not I have bread.
when ur a kid the only thing ur worst enemy has to do is find a word that rhymes with ur name and ur cooked. one time my friend’s nemesis called him michael michael motorcycle and he was messed up for days. it didn’t matter how cool motorcycles are. it rhymed. he was toast
Me: I haven’t been able to keep the house clean for 10 years
My 10 year old: Hey that’s how old I am
Me: What a coincidence
I’ll be the one at the office Christmas party, waiting patiently near the exit, so I can be the second person to leave.
Wife: You’re really on a roll today.
Me: : *wearing croissants as slippers* Please leave the dad jokes to me.
I got a new vacuum but I can’t vacuum because I don’t want to dirty my new vacuum so yeah I know a thing or two about grown up problems
If you’re going to walk a mile in my shoes, please also wear my FitBit.
My 12 wakes up, showers, changes into another pair of PJ’s and starts playing PS4. He has no idea how jealous I am.
Boomer neighbors on NextDoor: “Kids never go outside and play anymore! The parks and alleys are empty!”
Boomer neighbors IRL: “How dare neighborhood children play a game of basketball outside on a summer evening at a nice normal volume! Go inside!”
Cop: Know why I stopped u?
“Cuz im going too fast?”
Cop: Yes, slow down.
“But it’s been 6 months-”
Cop: U can’t move in with her yet.