Soaking the dishes overnight, or as I like to call it, “not doing the dishes.”
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what if you thought you had met your soul mate but then you saw them put mayonnaise on a hotdog
My 11yo just asked me if I was gonna be a “single Pringle” forever and I’m laughing so hard I can’t even be mad.
MOST TIMES: i know all of the lyrics to this song and could sing it in my sleep
DURING KARAOKE: i don’t remember a single word, may have even forgotten about the very concept of music
The definition of Irony:
Your job sucks
Your kids suck
Your life sucks
Your wife…doesn’t
There was a fire at the Yankee Candle store. 8 killed. 19 injured. 1200 soothed.
Tastes like chicken.
[first date]
HER: I just love a man who’s not afraid to be honest.
ME: *trying to impress* You sound really stupid right now.
*joins Buddhist monastery*
*withstands 21 years of brutal kung-fu training*
So, vending machine that didn’t drop my funyuns. We meet again.
10’s teacher: Your son has excellent grades
Me: Cool
Teacher: And a very sarcastic sense of humor
Me: *tears up* I couldn’t be more proud
IF SATAN IS READING THIS PLEASE MAKE THE FINGERBOARD ON MY DESK DO 1 FLIP
Yoda: *dies and fades away*
Luke: Thank God. I was so sick of his backward talking.
Ghost Yoda: Heard that, I did.
I like to stand next to a stranger on the elevator and whisper, “I read what you said on the internet.”
I just saw a birdbath gravestone, what a great idea, visitors for life..or death I should say
– What was high school like for you?
*2h22m later
– That was just the plot to Shawshank Redemption
Me: Granted, the similarities are uncanny
Anytime a young person makes me watch a Tik Tok I don’t like, I make them watch a full season of Frasier on DVD
Lunatics are gonna loon.
While taking a nap with my daughter, my 4 year old son creeps into my bed, fiddles with my bra hooks for 5 minutes, then gives up and passes out snoring next to me. No need for a paternity test, he’s definitely my husband’s son.
Ancient Greek mathematician Archimedes is known as the Father of Math, or as I like to call him, Math Daddy.
me: [slides bank teller a note]
bank teller: what’s a “roblery”
[one tweet gets 10 likes]
me: ok i gotta be careful now about what i put on my timeline. i have a successful brand to protect.
When the delivery of your fridge sounds like a threat. 🤣😂
“Needs to be punchier” — someone who has no idea what they want and wants you to figure it out
[cloud watching]
GIRLFRIEND: That one looks like a ring.
ME: I think it looks like two people taking it slow despite the pregnancy.
I’ve been reading your Oscar tweets, and America should not vote on things as a general rule going forward.
JOSEPH: oh thank god you’re here
MARY: did you bring the diapers blankets and formula
WISE MAN: no i brought myrrh
Sorry babe when you said “let’s go for a run” I thought you meant for coffee, not actual exercise and that’s on me
Me: Table for 1.
Host: Just 1?
Me: Yes. Can you enunciate “just” a little harder?
I always get self conscious buying toilet paper like some high schooler is gonna take a picture of me and post it online with the caption “lmao this dude poops”
dogs after you inspect what they have and decide to let them keep it:
*gloating* I just broke the internet
Narrator: He dropped the WiFi router.