Guys, please recycle. We wanna leave a better world for Betty White when we’re gone.
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Cop: Are you drunk?
Me: Could a drunk person do this? *I just piss my pants*
Cop: WOW. Yes actually.
Me: That was supposed to be a backflip
Relatives – Because sometimes you need reminding of your bad genes too
Took my 6-year-old to get his 1st Covid shot & afterwards he said, “That didn’t hurt, I’m sure getting a tattoo will be easy.”
If you love someone, let them sleep.
My teen changed my name in her phone to “spam risk” and she thought it was hilarious right up until she got kicked off the family plan.
@DaddyJew @funTweeters
Alarm: I have boyfriend
I’m so proud of two weeks ago me for anticipating I would want a ripe avocado today
Him: *down on one knee*
Will you marry me?Me: Nah, I’m good, but…
(puts up hand up to high five) thanks for asking!
I’m sick of people not taking me seriously *Throws jester hat down in disgust*
my nudist neighbours are moving away and selling everything and I’m thinking the washer and dryer will be worth a look
I prefer the term “quirky”, it sounds less diagnosable.
She died as she lived. Listening to the story of what her kid watched on YouTube that day.
Stop pronouncing it “Caribbean.” Everyone knows it’s “Caribbean.”
[First Date]
Me: So this has been great.
*moves in for a kiss*
Me: Jesus, a little handsy there.
Octopus: I can’t… I can’t help it.
Re: recent conversation about which of your cats is the convicted felon
my cat just made eye contact and walked over to the vent and vomited directly into it. well played, sir. well played
A Jurassic Park movie where nothing goes wrong just 2 of the employees fall in love & later a baby dino is the ring bearer at their wedding
people who brush their teeth in the shower are operating on a level of efficiency i have no desire of achieving
kidnapper: [putting more duct tape over my mouth] i said stop eating it
People who genetically engineer food, why don’t you make celery that tastes like Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups? I bet that would shut people up
If you’re thinking about getting married just know you can ruin the next eighteen years of your life for a lot less money by buying a cockatiel instead.
Me: Did you cheat?
Wife: Haha yes, what about you?
Me: Haha yes the glass wasn’t really moving on the ouija board, I was pushing it. What did you do?
Wife: Had sex with Dave
But why do gorillas even need so many adhesive products?
Doctors who do lip injections should be referred to as quacks.
My youngest once got ahold of the scissors and gave herself a haircut. It wasn’t bad. So now every 6 weeks we casually leave them out.
Gurt: Hey guys, what should we call this new dairy snack?
Keith: Yo Gurt, I have an idea.
Gurt: Dude, you’re a genius.
We can play Yahtzee again.
-You fixed the broken dice?
Yeah. And they’ll never break again.
-How do you know?
*grins*
Die mends are forever.
I am rubber, you are glue, that guy is ketchup, this is a terrible Halloween party.
mariah carrie