Sony has a site where you can watch The Interview for $5.99 and I can’t think of a single reason not to trust them with my credit card info.
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I want to give away free lab coats on the streets and turn our city’s homeless problem into its crazy doctor problem
[hospital]
DOCTOR: Your wife signed a DNR
ME: I’m here for a sprained ankle
DOCTOR: She insisted
No, they’re not called hedge funds because hedgehogs control the global economy. What a silly idea. 🙂
*later to thugs* They know too much.
INVENTOR OF THE CLOCK: all done! I just need to set it. what’s the time?
ASSISTANT: what’s the what
“I can’t, too busy”:
– no one believes you
– tired
– allows for future invitations“I can’t. Not since the accident”
– mysterious
– fresh
– prevents future invitations
The only thing I care about is credits where it says the dog is playing themself
boss: what is the problem
coworker: [pointing to me] that guy stole my thesaurus
me: he peddles falsehoods
I now have so many pet peeves that I’ve had to hire someone to walk them during the day.
Went Trick-or-Treating last night and all I got was yelled at.
What, I’m Asian?
*slides off Uggs & infinity scarf inside Starbucks*
*buys a bonsai tree*
Dieting is when you eat foods that make you sad and leave feeling hungry still.
I’m going to break into your house and steal that thing with the little wheels on it under the plate in your microwave.
5y/o just told me he’s not afraid of ghosts because “they’re not even alive”
Don’t forget to celebrate Columbus Day by moving in to someone else’s house and telling everyone it’s yours, then closing the post office.
A mom just told her kids the park is closing so they would leave without throwing fits.
Another mom overheard and said, “Uh-oh, the park is closing! Gotta go!
So I said, “Everyone’s leaving! Let’s follow them out!”
We all winked at each other and got in our cars.
Teamwork.
MEDIC ALERT BRACELET:
Do not resuscitate. Erase the selfies on my phone or I will Amityville your house.
if a doctor ever tried to hit *my* knee with a tiny hammer? hoo boy… all i’m sayin is, it’s a good thing they already live at the hospital
My son just threatened to not talk to me for the rest of the day.
I’m 3% offended and 97% hoping he follows through.
UBER DRIVER: it gets dark so early now
ME: please open your eyes
Wait…. she had the Royal baby, walked out and showed it to everyone, then went home?! I had fast food yesterday and couldn’t leave the couch.
[At maternity ward]
Me: is this where babies are delivered
Nurse: Yes
Me: You ought to be ashamed. Babies need their livers
I am the proud father of two content providers. I mean children. Two children.
“Are you really 43?”
Me: “who lies about being 43?”
Who does Amazon think I am?
“Hi, I’m here for Paradox Club.”
-Actually this is Oxymoron Club.
“Ok, same difference.”
*looks at group*
-Oh, this guy is good.
Cop: we know you’re in there.
Me in a French accent: I am not ere, I am in France.
Cop: when will you be back?
Me: je ne comprends pas
My daddy always said, life is like a tray of nachos, a big hot mess held together by cheese
Date: i love cats
Me: [trying to impress] *slowly pushes her plate off the table*
Me: they said they are working on a vaccine and will be out with it soon.
Friend: Who did?
Me: Yep.
You know if Harry Potter was real those kids would just spend all their time in their rooms playing HexBox.