Do what I say and everyone gets hurt.
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I’m at my sexiest when I try to run in flip flops in the rain.
My son turned 8 yesterday. I’m killin’ it at this parenting thing.
[doctors exam]
“I’m feeling a lump here. Here’s another. You have several lumps.”
-uh oh, what does that mean doc?
“it means you’re fat”
Finally watching Michael Bay’s TMNT. Best part so far is a dude answering a Skype call and yelling “How did you get this number?!?”
ME: I have an announcement… I’M GOING TO BE A FATHER!
FRIEND: Congratulations! When is the due date?
ME: In a few years, as soon as I graduate from priest school.
[Justice League HQ]
SUPERMAN: Looks like Batman is hungry tonight
MOTHMAN: [visibly sweating] I think I’ll just fight daytime crimes
Meteorologists are always talking about the weather and hardly ever about meteors.
[AA meeting]
Me: Hi, I’m Guy and I’m the Antichrist
Him: Er, did you mean you’re an alcoholic?
M: *eyes glowing red* Yes, sorry. That was just the tequila talking…
Me: I just want to be able to afford to eat sometimes
Wife: What about me and the kids?
Me: I’M NOT A CANNIBAL YOU IDIOT
my kids figured out the password to my wife’s computer and have been sending me these texts as if they were from her
Can we just admit that a 5-year-old named walkie talkies?
Thinking outside the box.. 😅
Me: Ugh, I have nothing to wear
Me on laundry day: Why do I have so many clothes
It’s not a gang sign, I just have rheumatoid arthritis
Her: So when you said you were going to make me happy using just your mouth…
Me: *putting down microphone* BEATBOXING IS A GIFT SARAH
alexa, make my husband understand me like your amazon targeted ads do
I can forgive the fact that Peter Peter was a pumpkin eater, but I can’t abide by the fact that his first and last name are the same.
ME: Ha ha bro why is your wife named Purse Phone?
HADES: That isnt… thats not how you say it
I believe that there is a radio station called WPMN, Worst Possible Music Network, and they are always playing it in the locker room at my gym.
HUSBAND: What should Santa get you for Christmas?
ME: A tennis ball machine filled with mini donuts?
HUSBAND: Powdered or chocolate?
ME: I love you.
As a project I’ve started making my own coffin. Should I be concerned that my wife keeps asking how soon I can have it ready?
Him: I’m leaving you.
Me: [can’t hear him because I’m trying to breakdance in my bubble wrap suit]
Whoever said, “Money can’t buy happiness,” never got a personal cheque for $5.00 from their grandma for their birthday.
Really Google Autocomplete? You honestly think I want to search for “hardcore poem”?
Mission control: what’s happening up there??
Dutch astronaut: Houston, we hebben een serieus probleem
Q: What did the Square say to the Rhombus?
A: If it is not a Right Angle it is a Wrong Angle.
Son: why is my sisters name rose?
Dad: because your mother loves roses
Son: what about me?
Dad: it’s a long story, Bush’s Country Style Baked Beans
Weirdos gonna weird.
If all of the pizza cutters are dirty then 1 whole pizza counts as 1 serving
I’m eating strawberries in the bath while watching a spider kill a ladybug. I feel like I’m in a silent French film about sex and death.