“I need to print something from my phone.”
“There are a couple ways we can try to do that.”
“I’d like to pick the way that will take the most time, with the most opportunities for user error and the lowest probability of customer satisfaction.”
“That is the most popular option.”
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Ask her if she’s sure she doesn’t want to order a salad… Girls love to be called fat!
[Job Interview]
Boss: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: *pulls laminated card out & hands it to him*
Card: “My over-preparedness.”
Wife: But the zoo told you never to come back
Me: [loading hotdogs into shotgun] Those giraffes can’t live on salad, Eleanor
“Why can’t I just eat the wax?”
~me, when I can’t open the cheese
Wife: whats that?
Son: I painted a picture of a cat
Wife: it’s very good
Me: if it was very good you wouldn’t have needed to ask what it was
‘I’ve been a very naughty girl!’ she said, licking her lips, ‘I need to be punished . . .’
So he invited his mother to stay for Christmas.
We carpeted our bathroom last night. My kid covered the entire floor with towels before their bath so same thing.
The best way to open a stubborn jar is to take a deep breath and recite an ancient Wiccan incantation.
Some days driving is like Russian roulette, but with squirrels.
*4-yr old niece tells me about trip to Empire State Building
Her: It’s so tall, I almost touched the moon!
Me: Oh you are so full of shit!
Him: that only took me 90 seconds! New record! HIGH FIVE!
Me:
friend: ”how’s life?“
me: ”everything’s on track thanks“the track:
During my prostate exam I asked the doctor, “where should I put my pants”? “Over there by mine”, was not the answer I was expecting.
When you’re over 40 and a part of your body starts hurting for no reason that is nature sending a “what ya doing?” text.
“Britney Spears” implies the existence of a “Britney Swords”, who probably has less attack speed and range but more well-rounded damage output potential
You know what? If Argentina wants to cry for me, I’m okay with that.
I treat going to a therapist like going to a mechanic. “So, It’s been making some odd sounds and I’m sure it’s on the verge of a breakdown.”
Choose your fighter
Me: I bought an elephant.
Wife: how much did it cost?
Me: I don’t rem-
Elephant: $32,872.
Wife:
Me:
Elephant: I have an excellent memory.
Me: but he was on sale!
Wife: were you?
Elephant: no.
dresses with pockets are great for parties because it’s like having two built-in doggie bags. 8 cookies, 4 taquitos, and 7 fancy crackers for later? don’t mind if I do
There should be a job like: divorce doula. I’ll help you find a lawyer, convince you that you’re enough, take you out for drinks, let you vent & cry during that hard 18 months, eventually convince you that a $70 sex toy can replace anyone. Start to finish divorce support.
I’m ashamed how many times Google’s had to correct my spelling. Yes Google, I meant Shih Tzu not shits zoo.
“astrology isn’t real” bro we’re on a spinning rock and we have to pay for water. nothing is “real”.
My wife and I use the pull-out method of birth control where we pull out our phones and ignore each other every night
Me: *leans in for a kiss
CPR Instructor: Did you just say ‘leans in for a kiss’???
Egyptians did pretty well for a civilization that wrote entirely in emoji.
*watching a cop walk past during drug deal*
ok relax, just be cool.. “bonjour mademoiselle how much of le methamphetamine dost thou fancy”
[dog park meeting]
dog: we have confirmed reports that they’re hiding pills from us…
[low growls]
dog: IN THE CHEESE
[outraged barking]
Sometimes I answer your rhetorical questions because I think you are that stupid.
no bro, *you* live in a society. I live with my parents