wife: I’m having a baby.
me: *handing menu back to waiter* I’ll have a baby as well.
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5 yo: Mommy, did you eat my donut?
Me: No
Husband: Why does he think you would eat his donut?
Me: Because he’s met me
Raisins are grape jerky.
[broken down by the side of the road]
ME: I think it’s the carburetor.
WIFE: You sure?
ME: Absolutely.
WIFE: Do you even know what that is?
ME: Of course.
WIFE: What does a carburetor do?
ME: It carburetes.
they finally got him. they got macavity
I just ran into my high school bully and it was great cause I’m doing well and he’s 17 which is very old for a dog
Twitter is like being able to read every toilet wall in the world.
Personal trainer: So what’s your goal?
Me: I wanna look good in pictures that I’m not taking myself!!
Hubs: * Hands me a broom* Make yourself useful
Me: Flies away
6-year-old: *finds a picture she drew* Why was this in the trash?
Me:
6:
Me: It was too good. I didn’t want to make your sisters jealous.
My dog: Look, they were over baked. Sooo, you’re welcome.
I wish whitening toothpaste got my teeth as white as the places I drop it on my shirts.
let me be very clear: i would rather attend a Pig’s wedding than attempt to sift through the dumpster you people have made out of my dm box,
13 pulled me away from my desk “to come and taste the pizza she made” and incidentally a sink full of dishes ready to wash.
ME: What’s the capital of Germany?
SON: G
ME: So college is a no then?!
Me: Ah-woooo!
The Moon: [swipes left]
This meal prepping shit is easy
20 yrs from now they’ll make a movie on how Leonardo DeCaprio never won an Oscar. Plot twist the actor playing him wins an Oscar.
“Can you explain this gap in your resume” yeah man TV got like really good for a few years
When you hug someone, think of all the poop you are just inches away from.
There are 2 kinds of people in this world;
1. People who like math
A. People who hate math
3. People who really don’t understand math
[purge day]
*is not kind*
*does not rewind*
*returns overdue videos to blockbuster*
Me: a cop once told me that I was the politest drunk he’d ever met
Interviewer: I meant achievements relating to the job
if ghosts r real why are there no dinosaur ghosts? think about that, but u won’t bc i just blew your mind with something called logic, idiot
If my wife doesn’t win anything on this $1 scratch ticket, it’s going to go down as one of the worst anniversary gifts ever.
if I’m wearing a suit you better be dead or getting married
Getting a speeding ticket in Alabama wasn’t what upset me. What upset me was how long he took to give it to me and he put me behind 15 minutes on my GPS arrival time so I had to speed the rest of the way anyway.
Swimmer’s ear. Not sure what to do about it. The things you find in the pool filter.
“All dogs love me. He’s friendly! Look how he’s smiling, showing me his teeth.”
“Hey Buddy, let me just grab your collar to read your ta”
And those were his last words
I see lots of millennials doing great stuff and think “we’re gonna be okay,” then I remember they absolutely adored the Jonas Brothers
If you’re ever having a bad day, just watch this video of a man trying to deep-fry gnocchi