I remember when hashtag meant it was your turn to fill the pipe.
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My wife will be like, “gut reaction, yes or no?”
And then show me two shades of beige paint I can’t even tell are different.
medium: so you want to contact your wife
wife: *muffled* open the door
me: sometimes I can still hear her voice
wife: *through the window* I forgot my keys
me: it’s like she’s here watching over me
COP: PUT YOUR HANDS UP
OCTOPUS: They’re tentacles
COP: OK PUT ALL 8 TENTACLES UP
OCTOPUS: Two are my legs, dude
COP: Just go. I give up.
[shark tank]
“Hi, what’s your product idea?”
Product? [holding bucket of live fish] I’m here to see the tank of sh-… I’ve made a mistake
Brilliant!
My daughter mockingly told me about Winemaking 101, a class her university offers. I surely hope she won’t mind bumping into me on campus.
No, I’m not participating in movember, I’m just Italian.
I am always amazed when people grossly exaggerate my lifestyle as a lesbian. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have a topless cupcake fight to attend.
When someone accuses me of making up a word I severely chastigate them.
“What would your friends say your biggest weakness is?”
“I have none.”
“I don’t believe that.”
“It’s true, I have no friends.”
#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
#ThursdayVibe
My kids are scream-fighting because one pretend-ate all of the toy food, in case you wanted to know why some parents drink.
boss: you’re working very efficiently
me: oh thanks
boss: so I’m giving you more work
me: wait no you’ve misunderstood why I was being efficient
Your time is priceless, here’s an hourly rate
I like for my resolutions to be attainable so this year I resolve that I will neither become the pope nor will I become a cannibal.
Just found out this city has an indoor trampoline place and I just figured out where my next medical bill is coming from
When you stop looking for it is when you’ll find it.
Happiness, love, that last beer in the back of the fridge.
feb 14: i love everything about u
feb 15: don’t breathe like that
Ever notice how loud the sound of opening a beer can at work is?
Me: *changes channel* *changes channel*
Pet hermit crab: no wait go back
Announcer: welcome to house hunters
“I think that kid’s a robot”
What?
“Look at his mouth”
Relax they’re just braces
*backs away slowly*
“That’s exactly what a robot would say”
(car shopping w/ teenage son)
Me: What do you think about this one?
Son: Well…I was kinda looking for leather seats.
Me: Leather seats??? You’re lucky it has seats.
They think they may have found Amelia Earhart’s plane. Gosh, I hope she’s alright.
My turd eating dog just spit out something I cooked if anyone wants to come to dinner.
Got the dermatologist recommended detergent and dryer sheets and I’m pretty sure it would’ve been cheaper to just buy a whole new body.
Sorry my diet made me slap the oreo out of your toddler’s hand and scream “NOT TODAY SATAN!”
My friend reckons he’s going to make a fortune flying people about in his invisible aeroplane. I can’t see it taking off.
Terrorist Threat Level: Porcupine
Maybe everyone can just pee outside from now on so I never have to clean the toilets again, kthanks.
I start undressing you with my eyes. About halfway through, your zipper gets caught on my cornea and I start screaming in agony.