I still cook my turkey the old fashioned way, I let my mom do it.
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Him: I’m sorry, socks in bed are kind of a deal breaker
Me: wow
My sock puppet: WOW
I only like movies with a happy ending, which has led to several arrests in theaters
My stylist: Your hair is dry and damaged.
Me: Hey! I think it’s fine.
My stylist: Yes, that too.
I like staying home, cause soon as I step outside I spend $100
Behold…the 4th horseman of the Apocalypse.
Wanna go out with me?
Make an awkward face for yes.
Name the entire periodic table for no.
Do you want contact-free delivery?
□ Yes
▣ No
Satanic ritual canceled. The goats keeps eating the sacred parchment paper.
Other moms: I hate summer break
Me: I love summer break – I have no laundry to do since my kids never change their clothes
Slut: desirable woman who has sex with someone other than yourself.
kinda want to get my dog to bark for 2 minutes as my voice mail so no one ever leaves me one again
“I’ve invented the toaster”
SADISTIC CEO: What number toasts it perfectly?
“2”
SC: ok make it *cries with laughter* make it go up to 8
i sent all my sims to universitey & they all became computer scientists & proved they were living in a simulation so i unpluged my computor
Barber: Do you want to see the back?
Me: Sure
*2 minutes later*
Barber: So, this is the staff room.
I’m stuck in a meeting where a guy keeps saying “utilize” and “leverage” and I’m wondering if I should tell him about the word “use”.
I hate it when people find out what food you hate and then swear you’ve never had it when it’s ripe or prepared properly.
“You’re right! I’ve been eating it off the floor. That’s the problem. Teach me how to live.”
Happy Teacher’s day, Wikipedia.
If happiness is a moving target and I’ve been chasing it all my life, why am I fat?
Found something new to say when I leave a room.
You people that disappear on weekends like you have something better to do, you’re not fooling anyone, we all know you’ve doing Community Service.
My roommate went on a bumble date and was nervous so decided to pound shots in her car once she got to the place they were meeting and the guy was parked next to her and watched her chug vodka for 5 minutes.
Dating is rough.
Absolutely batshit that they had one Irish character in Harry Potter and they just went with Seamus Finnegan. Like calling an American character Huckleberry McRib.
Define “no more Twitter or I will leave you.”
Meatloaf was so named because of his incredible likeness to his father, Meatlo.
I bought beard oil yesterday, so now I have to pick a favorite IPA.
The greatest trick the devil ever played
was offering a buy one get one free sale one day after you already purchased two at regular price.
Running after, screaming for my baby, as the jar of mayo rolls under the counter
My cat is so finicky. I finally gave up and taught him how to order Uber Eats for himself.
If you text your boss that you can’t come in and include the poop emoji, he doesn’t ask any questions.