People half my age are now legitimate adults, and frankly I find this offensive.
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Me: I have this strange feeling that somebody in this house is possessed by an owl.
Wife: Who?
Me: 😮
former classmate: i am happily married with four kids, a house, two cars, an rv & a boat.
me: i am a llama. i live in an enchanted forest with a squirrel wizard. we eat magical berries & those berries give us powers which we shall use to find & slay the evil dragon king.
I normally don’t brag when I go to expensive places, but I just left the gas station..
“Hot damn!” – the Nazi’s probably after their dams were destroyed.
I don’t know; I’m not a historian. It’s just an educated guess.
I made a barista at Starbucks cry when I put my name down as “Dad” and he just stood there calling it over and over
I don’t want to say that my fiancé is controlling.. it’s more that she’s BEAUTIFUL GUYS I HAVE TO GO
7-year-old: *using her tablet*
Me: You’re not doing your homework.
7: How did you know?
Me: You haven’t complained all morning.
Reason 5,746 why parents drink- my kids are fighting over whose horse is going faster on the same merry-go-round
If you love someone don’t do anything. Just wait, see what happens. Maybe it will go away
“Do you moan when you eat?”
Me, making small talk in an elevator
My new rescue dog has figured out how to step on the pedal and open the trash can.
I don’t think my children ever learned that.
Daddy will my cockatoo go to heaven?
– Heaven is a place of serenity and joy, right?
*nods, wiping tear*
– Then Mr. Shrieks won’t be there.
Them: Do you know what your problem is?
Me: Yes.
Comedians should be funny (agree with my politics) instead of being political (not agreeing with my politics)
Christmas movie innkeepers play fast and loose with their unattended candles.
I’ve started an all male cow gang.
Because in life, anything is posse bull !!
person: calm down
me: *calm immediately goes up*
Who called it “asking for sex” and not “pitchfork”
everyone (crying, begging): please…you cannot be both hot and nice. just pick one
me: no
Me: trump keeps obfuscating the truth
Wife: i see you learned a new word
Me: i obfuscately did
Wife:
Me: what are we obfuscating for dinner
We say that elephants never forget, but it’s not as if they have much to remember. They don’t have PIN numbers or passwords. They never have to put the bins out. They can even guess what kind of elephant they are and have a 50/50 chance of getting it right.
I don’t sit crossed legged to be classy, I’m holding my tampon in
Amazon thinks my recent furnace filter purchase was merely the inaugural move in newfound hobby of furnace filter collecting.
*cop pulls me over*
“blow into this please sir”
“whyy dont you blow on THIS officer!?”
*i hand him a flute & he plays it beautifully*
PLEASE stop giving your dogs HUMAN FOOD they are bragging to MY DOG and she is UPSET
HUSBAND: Do we have any cake toppers?
ME: Yes, it’s called frosting.
*smuggles cake (containing saw) into escape room*
mom: Why are your eyes red? Are you high!?
[flashback to me cry-singing Taylor Swift’s “Love Story” in the car on the way over]
me: Yes
turtleneck: oooh cozy
mock turtleneck: oOoH cOzY
Mom: Aww she is having so much fun!
Child (blowing bubbles and popping them): I CREATE AND DESTROY. I AM A GOD.