People often say things in the heat of anger that in hindsight they regret not accompanying with a punch in the face.
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[cuts open a gender reveal cake and several black cats pop out]
Oh hell yes we’re having a witch!
Oops I deleted….
Women always find me interesting and mysterious on the first date.
I knew that the fog machine under the table was a good idea!
I wish I gave Darth Vader different last words.
Before he died, I wanted him to mutter, “I should have stuck to pod racing.”
Can you imagine Wolverine falling asleep on Elm Street? Freddie visits, they hit it off and start to put together plans for a mobile turkey carving business
Stop putting jumpsuits in with the dresses! I don’t want to take off all my clothes to pee!!!
Me: Dammit I’m not gonna let you die on my watch
Her: *chokes* It’s too late
Me: *leans in close* Get off my watch. It’s a Rolex.
If you guys don’t keep a child-sized oar in the car to row past slow drivers I’m not even sure you’re livin’ right.
Gonna turn my life around!
[10 min later]
Oh well, I tried.
[commandos infiltrating enemy fortress]
COMMANDO 1: uh oh, we’ve got company!
COMMANDO 2: damn *opens wine and begins to set table*
[firemen meeting]
if we had a pole instead of stairs, we could get to the trucks much quicker
*from back*
“why dont we just sit downstairs?”
A pile of inside out bathing suits can be found by the rotisserie chickens because I couldn’t find a dressing room at Costco.
Donald Trump’s campaign is basically that thing where you say the wrong answer in Pictionary then just keep saying it louder and louder
Boss: Have I made myself clear?
Me: No, I can still see you.
Boss: Shakes head.
Threw some hot dogs and a velociraptor egg into my shake this morning, I’m ready to take on the world.
I can’t tell if this store is out of Scotch Invisible Tape or not.
As a man, I honor Christopher Columbus every day of the year by refusing to ask for directions.
GOP in 2008: Obama is Hitler!
GOP in 2012: Obama is Hitler!
GOP in 2016: Ok Hitler actually had some cool ideas
I have a very particular set of skills
*puts down phone*
*sounds of a struggle*
*yells* Ok you can’t see this but I’m totally doing the worm
me: i need to talk to someone about making some changes to my nose
plastic surgeon: ok i’m all ears
me: I need to speak to someone else then
Trust is knowing you never have to look through their phone.
Sarcasm so good, they think you’re being nice.
SORRY MISTER, BUT MOM SAYS I CAN’T GET IN YOUR VAN UNLESS THE CANDY’S SUGAR-FREE.
I’m really not sure how many times I’ll search for my phone with the flashlight on my phone before I realize I’m an idiot….
friend: why are you crying?
me: I’m having trouble dealing my grandma’s passing
grandma: *slinging a football at my head* just catch it, nerd
I tiptoe near my medicine cabinet bc I don’t want to wake my sleeping pills.
All it took was a skirt and one strong gust of wind and all of a sudden, my spirit animal is Hello Kitty.
Walking my dog in his Halloween outfit and a woman walking the other way asked, “Is that a costume?”
I guess I never realized how realistic his shark costume is.
You ever look at a crazy person in a drive-thru window and scream “credit or debit is fine!” and then realize the window wasn’t open and you’re screaming at yourself?
[2 Humans who definitely aren’t lizard people at Denny’s]
1: I sure am glad they don’t have newt brain on the menu
2: Right on, fellow human