ME: You know what they say, “Never go to bed hungry.”
HER: Angry.
ME: *Mouth full of nuggets* It’s prolly cuz you’re hungry.
You Might Also Like
Guys, if you buy your wife candy for your anniversary and she’s on a diet, she will hold that against you until the next anniversary. Don’t ask how I know this.
I put a message in a bottle and threw it in the Ocean. The note said “I have Tuberculosis and I coughed in this bottle”
I’m like American Cheese.
Krafty and oh so single.
Also terrible for you.
It went from “Oh, you guys really want to get to know your mom” to “Why are you asking me all these questions?” to “Which of my accounts are you trying to get into?”
Me: Do you ever feel like you’re an imposter?
Psychiatrist: Get out of my chair
Me: Interesting *writes ‘thinks he’s the psychiatrist’*
SNAKE: im gonna bite you
SNAKE CHARMER: u are so sexy
S: wha-
SC: *presses finger to lips* still wana bite me?
S: *blushes* well not anymore
TMNT gave me unrealistic expectations of city sewer systems.
Find someone who will worry about you like the way my Amazon delivery guy does when I don’t order anything in more than two days
I hate that teeth require so much specific care, the rest of my bones are so low maintenance
DON DRAPER: These Simpsons, they’re yellow?
ROGER STERLING: As the day is long.
DON: And the boy?
ROGER: Bart, lotta triangles on his head. (puts out cigarette) Sister, too.
*Pizza Hut job interview*
“Do you own a shitty car and smoke pot?”
No sir.
“You will.”
You look so comfortable in your own skin. Could I try it on?
My dog is disabled so I have to hold him up when he pees.
Long story short, I’m getting really good at writing my name in the snow.
13: *shoulders slumped dramatically, walking away from me* NO ONE ELSE’S MOM still makes them clean their room in a pandemic!
I just saw some idiot at the gym put his water bottle in the Pringle holder on the treadmill.
Bad credit? No credit? First time buyer? First time baby? No legs? 8 legs? You a spider? Are you a Spider trying to buy a house?
My cat was bitten by a squirrel and I have to suck the rabies out before she slips into a double cheese burger.
–how I cancel dates
I used to be scared upon waking in the middle of the night, but after raising two babies and seeing all hours of the clock, I’ve learned that the only thing that is truly frightening is hearing the word “Mom” whisper-screamed into my ear.
Me: I’ve got mismatched socks do you think that’s ok
Wife: I don’t think anyone’s gonna notice
Me: I’m gonna tell em
who is Godzilla’s least favorite relative? his MOTHRA-IN-LAW
Fun game to play at the beach…seashell or potato chip.
I never pay for drinks I just insult women at bars & when they throw drinks in my face I open my mouth haha thanks for the free booze ladies
It’s nice when my kitchen smells extra clean cause I used an entire bottle of Clorox to kill one ant.
this article brought to you by lions
Parenting is much harder nowadays. For example, you have to be able to push a kid on a swing and tweet at the same time.
Still suddenly panicking that you haven’t done your homework on Sunday evenings, despite being in your thirties
Dad used to remind us kids to check for copperheads hidden in the woodpile. Of less concern was giving an ax to a 10-year-old.
My trainer told me to listen to my body. So now I’m in bed eating a cheeseburger.
People are shocked when I tell them I’m a horrible electrician