Why aren’t more people mating with scientists? It’s like they don’t even want to bring dinosaurs back.
You Might Also Like
Son: Smell me. Do you think I should shower?
Me: Yes.
Son: But you didn’t smell me.
Me: Yes.
My yogurt just moved. Paranormal activia.
can’t get the dune theme tune out of my head (dune dune dune, now lemme hear you say way-oh)
left my hotel balcony door open a bit and a pigeon wandered in, stole some of crackers, screamed at me and then left. so yeah when i die i wanna reincarnate as a big city bird
I’ll never have the opportunity to Say Yes to the Dress, but I’ll Say Yes to the Cookie like, three times a day. Minimum.
I’m caught between needing new glasses and having already seen too much.
Fun fact: On national donut day, offer the cop a donut, you won’t get a ticket.
Same with beer.. just not the one you’re drinking..
I’ve studied enough modern theater to know that inviting another couple over for dinner never ends well.
So apparently “You can’t tell me what to do, you’re not my real dad!” isn’t of much use when dealing with armed cops.
Do you ever think Mario gets home after a long day and his wife is dressed in lingerie and all ‘hey handsome’ and he’s like ‘I had such a long day, if i have to jump down into one more tunnel I will lose it”
So Ive started a sarcasm club.
It would mean the world to me if you joined.
Believing that you are popular or “famous” on twitter…
…is like believing you are rich because you won a game of Monopoly.
Normal Person (being inconvenienced): I deserve better than this
Me (being stabbed w/swords): I’m so sorry for getting blood on your swords
“Arise! Arise! Foul creatures, I command that you arise! ARISE!”
“Dad, just once, couldn’t you let mom or the alarm clock wake us?”
“ARISE!”
Text from FedEx: Your package will arrive last Saturday lololol
Just got a lecture about fiscal responsibility from my teenagers about my inflatable hot tub purchase so guess who won’t be allowed in my new inflatable hot tub?
Losers.
Any beach is a nude beach if you drink enough alcohol
Breaking news:
caller: listen carefully–we have a hidden camera in your hotel room. you need to…
me: pay you money? smuggle drugs???
caller: cover it up. and would a little cardio kill you?
My bag of chocolate-covered espresso beans is empty.
In unrelated news, my daughter is swinging Tarzan-style from the ceiling lamp.
I like my women how I like my straws ….
Bendy and full of liquor.
[first date]
Her: I like my steak rare
Him: *trying to impress* I’ll order for both of us. 2 panda fillets please.
Sun Tzu: to beat your enemy you must become your enemy
Me [overweight; hungover; eating breakfast ice cream]: way ahead of you
I’m starving and all I have is a refrigerator full of health food. I hate who I was four days ago.
Isn’t is weird how we have one million dog breeds and everyone is like “goldendoodle” this or “chihuahua mix” that and if you ask someone what type of cat they have it’s just like “an orange one”
cop: listen pal, we can do this the easy way or we can do this the hard way
me: which would you prefer
cop: you know what, nobody ever asks that. thank you
Cashier: Big weekend plans?
Me: *putting pile of microwaveable meals for one on counter* You know it.
Just heard my husband in the kitchen telling our cat “You’re not hungry, you’re bored. Drink some water.”
Ever feel like you have one foot in a canoe and the other on a banana peel?
The scariest moment in the world is when a 3yo looks at you and says CLOSE YOUR EYES AND OPEN YOUR MOUTH