“I think I have Ebola.”
“JUST DO YOUR DAMN HOMEWORK!”
You Might Also Like
“How does Dracula get his hair so perfect without a mirror? Oh questions about the job? No I’m good.”
2 years later
Melo: “What I gotta do to get signed?”
NBA:
Remember that time you confused a life lesson for a soulmate.
Everything’s free if you learn to mimic the beep of the self-checkout scanner
Pretty sad that if you want to hit people in the knees with a hammer your career options are limited to doctor or enforcer for the mob.
“Miss me yet?” – 2019
very niche meme I made
[Movie Theater]
Me: This Icee will last me the whole movie.
Me, immediately after previews: Ok so about that.
i don’t think you all understand. if Taylor Swift didn’t have a private jet she’d be Taylor Slow
If you’re ever wondering if you and your spouse are on the same page fold a large blanket together. You’ll have your answer quickly.
Sure Romeo & Juliet is a great love story but have you heard Sk8er Boi?
Got him!
Nothing’s sadder than the look on my dog’s face when I reach under the kitchen table to pet her and she realizes my hand is empty.
Tai Chi is so crazy because it’s like throwing a slow motion tantrum.
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if every time a message in blood appeared on a wall it was something helpful like YOU’RE SITTING ON YOUR GLASSES
Damn boy are you a stormtrooper, because you’re never gonna hit this
Handing out samples at Costco:
“These are mini hand sanitizer/toilet paper sandwiches, they’re really popular right now”
Christian Bale named his son Burrito Bale when he could have named him Taco Bale. I want that noted the next time the conversation comes up about who’s the best Batman.
‘I just call it like I see it…’ -People giving their unsolicited opinion about their unsolicited opinions.
My cat looks at me like “I would have been a god in ancient Egypt, I’ll have you know”.
Schools need to start doing pictures on the first day. It’s the only day I remember to try to make my kids look presentable.
Prank Idea For The Ladies:
Swallow a plastic dinosaur, then make an appointment to get an ultrasound.
All those years of getting horrible elementary school pictures was just society’s way of preparing you for your driver’s license photo.
Nobody:
Me: people died on the Titanic but the lobsters were set free.
waiter: have you decided
me: yes, we’ll have the garbage bag that smells like scraps of salmon and coffee grinds
my date, who is a raccoon: perfect
Him: I’m leaving you
Me: is it because I constantly misquote Shakespeare?
Him: you compared me to a Summer’s Eve™…
Me: parting is such sweet and sour 🙁
The whole “limiting myself to one glass of wine a day” thing is going really great. I’m like 5 years ahead of schedule.
I’m not sure what everyone at my coworking space does for work, but I’m pretty sure one guy’s job is chewing.