Sweetie if I was fake, I would pretend to be someone awesome and not a lonely weirdo.
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space horror is the best horror. what’s out there? no one knows! big rocks. creepy things. sticky things. math! stuff on fire. big holes. big holes with math in them.
Annual reminder that Valentine’s Day was a scam invented by Goodyear to sell all the heart-shaped tires their factory made by mistake
My kid found a Disney movie marathon on tv and I found Captain Morgan in the freezer. Life is about balance.
We’re all 60% water, so get off your high horse “aqua” man
me:
Can I count on you?wife:
Of course, always.(sits on her lap)
me:
One…two…three…four…
what’s my dream career? the guy who bakes chickens and hides them in the walls in castlevania. next question
What idiot called it ‘Asparagus grown in Northern France’ and not ‘Brittany Spears’.
How do the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles have 6-pack abs? They can’t do sit-ups.
Hey! So I have a new YouTube channel. It’s a desperate attempt to make some $$$ (survival reasons) – Think you could support and subscribe?
While we are here, if you have feedback on the new site design, please let me know – trying to address one by one. Someone told me that there are way too many ads now, I have reduced the number of ads and increased the no. of funny tweets per page. Can’t wait to hear from you!
so what are you guys doing for the other 3/4ths of july
I told 14 to put the towels from the washer to the dryer 4 hours ago. I asked an hour ago if he did and he said yes.
He never turned the dryer on. I guess that shit’s on me for not specifying.
The defense rests your honor.
*camera pans to defendant taking a nap*
“What’s your band name?”
“The Who”
“The band?”
“Not The Band, The Who”
“Please don’t make me guess who”
“Not The Guess Who. The Band is a band but we’re the band The Who”
“May I have some of your drugs?”
My kids: *arguing* MOM WHO IS YOUR FAVORITE KID
Me: Connor
Kids: The boy next door?
Me: Yep
Kids: We meant out of us
Me: Still Connor
Me:Yes sir, I’d like to try that bracelet on
[points at display case]
Clerk: Ma’am, those are donuts
Me: …..
Therapist: What’s something you can do to stimulate your mind during this time?
Me: Bank robbery
Therapist: That’s not a crime
Me: I’m out of ideas
True love is knowing which parts of Bohemian Rhapsody are yours and which are theirs as you belt it out in the car.
If I had known “cuties” were little oranges when my wife asked me to “bring a few home,” I could have avoided these awkward introductions.
My kids baked a cake and now I have to eat it all tonight because it’d be unhealthy for them to eat it for breakfast tomorrow
oh shit. i’m at a doctors appointment, and i legit forgot to take the sugar glider out of my sports bra. let’s hope she stays asleep!!!
Me: Do you have any three tiered wedding cakes?
Baker: But of course! When do you need it by?
M: No, I’ll just eat it here.
interviewer: it says here u have a number of skills?
me: yes that number is zero
Me: Maybe you should slow down on those granola bars. We got 30 yesterday. And there are…4. 4 left.
Husband: This house is a prison.
no, babe. i haven’t seen your glasses.
*shaking chip crumbs into my mouth*
May it please the Court.
A National Treasure where Nicholas Cage has to find the model number on a 15 year old dishwasher.
Trainer: Run a mile on the track at your own pace.
Me: Okay. *starts running*
*halley’s comet goes by*
*trainer dies of old age*
*halley’s comet passes again*
*the sun dies*
*final episode of the simpsons airs*
Me(almost halfway done): Halfway there!
My 4yo just told his fish that he “needs a little space.” Dude, just step away from the tank.
Photosynthesis is the process used by plants to convert a picture into a thousand words
THERAPIST: Anyways—
ME: “Anyways” isn’t a word. You mean “anyway”
THERAPIST: ANYWAY, we were talking about your difficulty making friends