ME: Okay, going out of town for 4 days, so I need 4 days of clothes.
MY BRAIN: Cool, cool cool cool… What if you actually need every shirt you’ve ever owned tho?
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*gets woken up by a tap on my shoulder*
“Daddy, how do you get yogurt out of the toaster when it’s done toasting?”
Me [all day]: tired
Me [1 AM & can’t sleep]: why is a baby ocelot called a kitten & not an ocelittle?
TwinzerMom: Where’d you go?
Me: For a quick walk. Just kinda the first step on my fitness journey.
TwinzerMom: Must have been a small step
Me: Why do you say that?
TwinzerMom: Well, for starters, there’s powdered sugar in your beard
Happy 10th birthday to your dating profile pic.
Over 400 billion people a year are victims of exaggerated statistics.
(At the Gym)
Manager: Sir…I’m sorry but you’re required to wear a mask at all times on the gym floor.
Me: *sweating, panting and reaching around my face
I think…I think I swallowed it.
I’m giving up sex for lent mostly because I’m not having any anyway so it seems like the easiest and most logical choice for this journey.
so funny that we all have skeletons. underneath it all we’re just a bunch of spooky little bald guys
If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘donuts’. I’ll turn around and look.
HELLO, FIRST TIME CALLER, LONG TIME LISTENER, OCCASIONAL MURDERER.
Sounds like thunder outside, but it’s 2020, might be King Kong for all I know.
I forced her to tell me what I was to her
Apparently, I’m the 5th in line of guys she talks to when she’s bored
Unchained Melody, but I have no idea how she got loose.
Dear Samsung,
please also start selling jeans that can accommodate your smartphones.
Literally nothing gives me more anxiety than when someone asks me what I like to do for fun.
I’m 6’ and I’m built like someone who overestimates by four inches
[Wheel]
_’D L_K_ TO SOL__ TH_ P_ZZL_
I’d like to solve the puzzle, Pat
Go ahead
I’d like to solve the puzzle
Yes, go ahead
No, I’d like to..
My 5 year old memorized my phone number and I just figured out he gives it to everyone he encounters
me: do you take walk-ins
dude at the crematorium: what
Me: You get your smarts from me.
My kid: Yep, I got your mustache too. Heyooo!
So, free to a good home if anyone wants a kid.
I always say “no spoilers!”. Not because I plan to see the movie but because I don’t want to listen to you babble on about it.
If Dracula were on Grindr, he would be looking for a guy with a blood sausage.
I just got hit head on by a crazy women riding a menstrual cycle.
I think my wife got us a babysitter because she didn’t think I’d sit on the baby correctly
Therapist: do what makes u happy and don’t do what makes u sad
Me: so happy music makes me happy
Therapist: yea
Me: and sad music makes me sad
Therapist: yea
Me: and I’m sad
Therapist: yea
Me: therefore I should listen to sad music
Therapist: so close
Ok, but like, how married are you?
JOHN LENNON: Help! I need somebody
ME: okay I’m here what do you ne-
JOHN LENNON: not just anybody
ME: damn wow okay
i love that my tweets still say i’m tweeting from earth because i know a lot of you are tweeting straight from URANUS
*me talking to a couple* so who’s the 6 and who’s the 9?
My family can’t decide what kind of Lab to get (Chocolate, Yellow, Black, etc.) so we drew straws.
I won, so we’re getting a Meth.