What’s it like to have 5 kids? Imagine the noise at a Jamba Juice and none of the blenders have lids.
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I was once put in the ‘friend zone,” but with perseverance that all changed. I’m now in the ‘must stay 200 yards away at all times zone.’
Started raining WHILE I was in the car wash. Like..
Me: and now turning to slide 23, in conclusion I think we can all agree that this is not the outcome we were hoping for
Widow: *taking back microphone* how did you know my husband?
Friend: Don’t come on too strong is my dating tip.
[At the restaurant]
Her: Can you pass the salt, please?
Me: Sorry, it’s too heavy.
If I arrive wearing more than one hat it is because I could not decide & could not bear to leave one or more of them behind.
4-year-old: I put my Barbie in the tanning bed.
Me: You don’t have a Barbie tanning bed.
4:
Me: *sprints to the toaster*
Nobody:
Me to my alien: so basically you make a dinner the kids say they like and then they cry because they don’t like that food anymore
Welcome to your fifties. Now your eyebrows grow from your left shoulder. 😵💫
[Gets soccer schedule, 8am Saturday games]
*Tells junior he didn’t make the team*
Could reporters stop asking if political leaders “believe” in climate change and start asking if they understand it instead
Raising kids means saving them from drowning, choking and other forms of certain death so one day they can look at you with a straight face and ask, “Why don’t you just let me live my life?!”
Boss: ok just bear with me
*I growl and start clawing the air*
B: wtf are you doing
Me: I..You said..
B:first ‘snail mail’ now this..Just go
“I have a hard time with faces. One time I mistook a wolf for my dead grandmother LOL!”
– Little Red Riding Hood, talking to a coat rack.
*watching the villains on the moon in Superman II*
Daughter: Are they the first to land there?
Me: No – Neil before Zod
knocked on my neighbors door to complain about his hammering and discovered he was hosting a Thor fancy dress party
My editor has informed me that I do not know how hyphens work.
I’m not-sure how I feel about-this.
INTERVIEWER: What happened at your last job?
ME: I was fired for being too literal.
I: How have you supported yourself since then?
M: Legs.
Website: We use cookies to improve performance.
Me: Same.
I’m the hottest mom hiding from her family in this pantry right now.
Not all white people die in hot air balloon accidents, but only white people die in hot air balloon accidents.
9-year-old: *swings an umbrella*
Me: That’s not a toy.
9: I know. It’s a weapon.
not a total stranger telling me I’d “better find a man before all the good ones are gone,” on the same day Twitter announces a potential dating app. not today, satan
Be the reason why the lights flicker when you enter a room
{the invention of maple syrup}
So, Jacques, have you ever sucked a tree?
I bought iliteracy for dummies but I couldn’t make any sense of it
When Plan ‘A’ and Plan ‘B’ don’t work..
Plan ‘Shaggy’:
Say it wasn’t you.
I’m so oblivious to someone flirting with me that if they told me to take my shirt off I’d assume it was because I spilled something on it
okay but exactly how dangerous are these ducks?
ur the human equivalent of having a hair in ur mouth
Retweeting a woman is basically saying “that’s what she said”