The thing about human relationships is that one person can be so overcome by a moment while the other person is thinking about KFC…
You Might Also Like
I forgot the word bird’s ‘nest’ earlier so I called it a twigloo.
“You drive me to drink!”
-I shout at my taxi driver.
Had that dream again where I’m a pterodactyl but can’t fly too good and all the other pterodactyls call me a “terribledactyl” and dinosaur laugh at me.
I think they should use stronger sealant on cookie packaging so at least you get a decent workout before eating the entire box.
“No way.” -Jose
Our former nanny is pregnant and while I’m happy for her I’m mostly just relieved that my kids didn’t ruin her desire to be a parent
My parents: before you leave the house you should always go pee!
Me, as a kid:. No! I don’t need to go!
Me, in my 40’s: yeah I see what you mean!
Twitter takes me places I’ve never been before. Take oncoming traffic for example.
“911 what’s your emergency?”
“Yeah, I’ve got so many questions about bees.”
*sighs*
“Please hold for the president.”
I’m not laughing AT you, I’m laughing WITH other people at you.
I woke up today with what appears to be a spider bite. I better get super powers or I’m going to be pissed.
Just expressed my displeasure by showing my husband the chewed up food in my mouth because apparently I’m 8 years old.🤦🏻♀️😂
Don’t believe that bullshit.
Failure is ALWAYS an option.
CLIENT: remember what i said
HITMAN: yeah make it look like my little brother
CLIENT: huh
HITMAN: an accident
CLIENT:
HITMAN: i do comedy too
CLIENT: are you any good
HITMAN: i always kill
CLIENT:
HITMAN: that was a joke
CLIENT: ah
I have what CNN is calling ‘snow fatigue’ symptoms include:
Being tired of winter
A sudden desire for spring
Thoughts of murderous rage
*secretly fills your birthday piñata with hornets*
[bar]
me: oh god this is gonna sound weird but would you mind pretending to be my girlfriend when my friends turn up so they don’t think I’m a pathetic loser
wife: no
Them: Writers are birthing bravery.
Me, a writer: Can I have an epidural please?
Facebook is a minefield of mums saying “Can’t believe this handsome boy is starting year 1!” with pictures like this
“Hello from the outsiiiiide. I must have called a thousand tiiiiimes”
– me, drunk, leaving my wife another voicemail because I’m locked out
caveman: I’ve invented the wheel!
hamster: finally!!!
SCIENTIST: Dear God! Were… were you chewing bubble gum when you went through the teleporter??
ME, a pink, lumpy man-shaped blob: Uh… no.
SCIENTIST: Oh… sorry.
No, I don’t need a Fitbit. I can count to 45 by myself.
Oh he looks allergic to me. I’ll go sit on him
~ cats
I’m “I lost my car in a parking lot” years old
*clicks alarm, clicks alarm*
*silence*
Am I even in the right parking lot?
Me: the enemy of my enemy is my friend
Enemy of my enemy: no, i don’t like you either
You can’t change a person unless they wear adult diapers
oh my gosh!!
DOCTOR: Don’t be embarrassed. Taking trousers off is normal for a prostate exam.
ME: Err yeah I guess. Should I take mine off too?
No thanks Facebook Live, if I wanted to see people doing stupid things in real time I’d just go visit my family.