COWORKER: you got like 8 hickeys. Must’ve been a fun weekend haha
ME (remembering not to talk about octopus fight club): yea it got pretty wild
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There should be a second ashes they play at night when all the players have had a few
Who called it a French guy that has a cat rather than Jean clawed?
*dog runs for president*
*dog sits for president*
*dog rolls over fo
Job interviewer: “Why do you want to join the Secret Service?”
Me: “It’s a secret.”
Job interviewer: “You got the job.”
Enough with emails already. I’m only conducting business communication by Snapchat from now on.
[job interview]
Boss: What’s this 3 year gap in your résumé?
Me: I believe the explanation is clear.
B: It just says “ninja-ing.” I don’t underst—
*I have disappeared*
B: Oh man. *looking around* You’re hired.
[From ceiling]
M: I accept.
Police – they really trashed your house, anything missi-
Me – hmmm? No, this is how it always looks
Sir, you can’t walk up to the drive through window.
[45 minutes later]
*gallops up to window on stick horse*
[armed robbery]
gf: pls babe he has a gun, this isn’t the time to mess around, just call the cops
me: no. *pulls out deck of yu-gi-oh cards* i have to trust the heart of the cards
robber: you should’ve listened to your little girlfriend, kid
*pulls a deck out of his gun*
sure, i could keep my thoughts to myself but i can’t see “likes” in my journal
Them: Can I ask you a personal question?
Me: *bursts into flames*
Is Fergie totally done spelling stuff? Because “mischievous” sometimes stumps me and I’d appreciate a song about it.
My reaction to being on a flight with a lot of kids is that I really wish they made light up theme sneakers in my size
“I’d like to make a toast.”
– piece of toast telling her toast husband she wants to start a family
Please don’t tell my kids they haven’t got a pet chameleon.
Everything reminds me of my ex
My family crest is a hand protectively shielding a slice of pie and a Latin motto that translates as “I’m still working on it.”
‘Pumpkin’ has got to be the weirdest pet name. How do you look at the person you cherish and adore and decide to call them the second largest squash in North America?
I waited around all morning for the mailman so I could grab his hand through the mail slot.
Me, dressed Covid casual at work.
Boss: “Are you wearing a pillow case?”
Cashier: And how are you today?
Me: Incandescent with rage. You?
Being fluent in Spanish is all fun and games until you’re put in a professional setting and all you know is Spanish del rancho
Him: “You’re not like other girls”
My anxiety and insecurity: “Told ya”
Me: Did we get a bunch of new cups?
Wife: No. Our daughter brought them all down from her room.
I’ve been looking for the lid for this Tupperware container and somehow I’m now three weeks late for work.
if i ever go missing please don’t use that photo of me holding a sign that says “if i ever go missing don’t look for me.” thanks
The little notes taped everywhere in your Airbnb:
Keep porch light off after 11:00pm.
Don’t use bathroom outlet for hairdryer. Breaker will trip.
If you hear a child crying in old pantry, don’t open the door. It’s not a child, DON’T OPEN THE DOOR.
The Fast and the Furious.
– Me, not eating after 6:00 pm for my morning blood work 😠.
dentist: have you been flossing?
me: yes 🙂
dentist: your mouth?
me: no 🙁
Me: Good morning. Allow me to sprinkle some positivity on this gloomy Monday morning.
HR: You can’t just throw glitter at people.