there should be a jail just for people that don’t break apart kit kats before they eat them
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*Opens Facebook, closes Facebook
*Opens Insta, closes Insta
*Opens twitter, doesn’t sleep for 3 days
If she’s not ruining your life…..She’s just not that into you.
Women aren’t hard to read
For example: When she looks you in the eyes, puts her hair in a ponytail, then starts throwing all your shit out
You’re done bro
Mankind has made a lot of mistakes, some of them truly monstrous. The Holocaust. Slavery. Calling it a “corn maze” and not a “maize maze.”
sometimes i remember i was part of the nsa hack back in spring / that all my data is currently floating around china and i’m like “cool”
I like my women with curves.
Those skinny ones are alway mad cause they’re hungry.
I have never bought a snack faster on name alone in my life.
(trying to explain what adulthood is like to a kid) you know in sims when you put a guy in the pool and then you take all the ladders out.
what if when Dracula’s fangs came out they made that truck backing up noise
I would correct your grammar but you don’t use any.
ME: I really love motorsport.
DATE: Do you like F1?
ME: I like all the function keys.
My aunt dropped by unexpectedly and when she knocked on the door, instead of barking, my dog tried to jump in the lit fireplace and I’ve never felt so on the same level as anything ever.
[moments after time traveling to 1863]
LINCOLN: four score & seven years ago
ME: [behind a tree] JUST SAY IT NORMAL
pretty cool how no matter what’s going on in the world, a teenager in a Metallica shirt will always look the same no matter what year it is.
Why’s it always “nyc smells like pee” and never “my pee smells like the greatest city in the world”
My wife bought me Costco underwear which I assume is the final line of defense against another woman wanting to have sex with me
went to the movies and the whole time my 7 year old kept turning in her seat to look behind us. eventually i asked her what was wrong and she explained that the disclaimer before the movie told her to look out for anything suspicious.
Have I ever steered you wrong?
*flashback to you at zoo in bear suit
Me: They wont attack if ur dressed like one of them, now go get my ball
Every kiss begins with ‘K’ I whisper quietly to myself as I read his one letter response to my last 7 text messages.
This made me smile to an unreasonable degree 😂
Me: I’m here to collect my pre-demon.
Lady: Sir, at this animal shelter, we call them kittens.
My internet has been out for 24 hours and now my kids are moving out.
That was easy.
You can’t hurt my feelings, pffft, I have three kids
Bob was hungry. He ripped open a new bag of tortillas only to discover a convenient, resealable opening on the other end
Mom: Why do you have a lighter? Do you smoke?!?
Me: It’s for arson, I swear!
Mom: It’d better be!
The platypus is the hotdog of the animal kingdom. All the leftovers were thrown together, and people just accepted it.
Didn’t realize my kid was a midwestern farmer in a past life until we drove by a cornfield and he muttered “sure is gettin’ tall”
God: You’re beautiful. Aren’t you?
Peacock: Yes. Thanks for creating me.
God: *Starts giggling*
Peacock: What’s so funny, god? Why are you laughing?
God: you’re called peacock. *Bursts into laugh*
Peacock: WHAT THE FFUU..
God: And you cant speak.
[Incoherent bird noise]
Playdates were invented to force parents into cleaning their home.
Me: are you going to be a better listener?
Pause
5: maybe is the best I can do